13 June 2007


So much is changing.

I find myself facing a move, but according to recent news from the new property manager, I’m not sure when it could occur (potentially leaving me homeless for at least a few days). I’m facing interviews for two very different advanced positions at work, one of which could displace me to a city two hours away. Jordan and I recently had a discussion about our relationship, both of us realizing that as much as we care for each other, we are not good matches for one another. Though the discussion was one that was difficult to initiate, we were both able to express our thoughts and feelings freely and without spite; it could not have been done in a more caring, honest, or less bitter way.

When I slow down to consider all these recent events, I see myself being prepared for a good uprooting; I am losing my sense of the familiar and being made ready for a transplant to alien soil. Some days I feel crazy with the feeling that I’m only hanging on by my fingernails. Other days, I can say with complete confidence that I can trust God’s leading and timing in all this; it is these days I can sincerely say that I am ready for a completely fresh start. Though I am leaving comfortable soil, a newer, richer soil is being made ready for me.

It is easy to stay put and slip silently into what others have come to expect of you; it is facile to repeat days and weeks endlessly, succumbing to the mundane familiarity of each day being a reproduction of the last. I’ve done so successfully for much of the last six to seven years of my life. Then came January with God’s call on my life making itself known, calling me into an adventure of being His voice as a writer. The great thing about having been with Jordan is that my dogmas were challenged and I learned with certainty who I am, what I want, and what I need in a potential life partner. Being with him brought me face to face with many of my own flaws and uncertainties. Where there was once uncertainty and blind belief, I now have confidence and am firmly rooted in my faith and convictions. Having already gotten myself ready to move, I am prepared should the move be a hundred miles to the south instead of across town.

I won’t lie –- I am not exactly comfortable with feeling so exposed and vulnerable, roots removed and dangling precariously above familiar soil. But this is an invitation for a bit of adventure, is it not? Anything could happen.


  1. Why yes! You could become a walking stick or a funky bureau (once the tree is uprooted, it surely can be fashioned into something of new beauty).

    I am curious about this thing with Jordan. What is it you feel you need in a partner? I ask because the whole dating thing has always been a point of fascination for me. I didn't date much before meeting my life partner (just three other guys, two quite short-lived in high school), and my spouse's culture has the "arranged marriage" model, which implies that compatibility may or may not be a key factor in success. Anyway, you needn't answer my question if it's too personal...

    Oh, and good to hear from you again on Seedlings. I missed you!

  2. Kirsten, when I thought of you at work today, I came here (in a moment of weakness -- must not check personal blogs at work!) to see if you'd posted any new musings. This post startled me on many levels in that moment, sitting there in my cubicle and staring at the screen. I started talking to the screen, saying, "Oh, Kirsten. Dear Kirsten. Sweet girl." As if you could hear me.

    Now, as I sit in the quiet of my home, the beautiful music of Henry V playing melodiously in a way that stirs my heart, I came to visit again (this time to post a comment) and found myself moved to tears.

    What can I say, dear friend? I am humbled by your story, the way God is moving in you, your pliability and willingness to be moved by Him. (And I mean "moved" in a soulish sense . . . I wrote that last line without intending a reference to your physical move about to take place, though it applies in that case as well.)

    I am so proud to know you, friend. I am proud of the woman of God you continue to become, the vulnerable places you allow Him into, and your willingness to share these things with all of us, to let us in on your continuing journey.

    It must have been so hard to initiate that conversation with Jordan . . . so hard, but also so good, so freeing, so dignifying of God's intentions for both of you. I have a feeling that you will just KNOW -- in a way you've never known before -- when the right person does finally step into your life, and you will come more fully alive in a truer, deeper way than ever before.

    I wonder what God has in store for you. You know I've been wondering that for some time now, especially since you shared about your epiphany about writing a few months ago. You continue to be in my thoughts and care, and will ever be so. I do wonder, in fact, if this opportunity to step up with the company (is it Cingular?) is God's next step for you . . . or a distraction, a lesser good that would displace the better, or even best. If I know you, I know that you will search your deepest heart and spirit and soul to determine the right steps . . . which, we know, He will then direct.

    I look forward to bearing witness to that unfolding path. And you're certainly welcome in Florida, if He leads you even further away! :)

  3. LL - Glad to hear from you!! As you might imagine, my head & heart have been "otherwise engaged" this past week, hence no posting and no commenting for me.

    I love how you imagine me being refashioned into something new -- I never considered it like that, but that possibility resonates with me.

    The relationship question is by no means one that is too personal to answer, but I am going to need a post or two to answer that question sufficiently. Basically, it boils down to the differences that we once thought complemented each other ended up driving us apart and to very opposite directions.

    Christianne -- Thank you for your tender, thoughtful, and most loving reply, my friend. I didn't expect to be in this place now, but since I am, I am letting to Lord do the leading here (I must let Him, being deprived of my sight in these cases).

    The discussion with Jordan was a difficult one, and I was not surprised to hear that he had been thinking along similar lines for some time now (there will probably be another post on this so I'm not sounding so abstruse and vague about the whole thing), so while having the discussion was difficult, it was a relief to both of us.

    I must remind myself that you only know what I tell you, so your comment about these job possibilities within T-Mobile being possible distractions or possibly lesser goods caught me off guard. It will take yet another post or two or six to explain why and how I have such confidence that any movement within the company would be an excellent growth opportunity (both personally & professionally).

    I can see that my next several posts have been outlined for me -- there is so much more I could say, but simply not the time on my break or space in the Comments field to do so.

    Thank you both again for visiting & your words of care & concern. I'm back!! :o)

  4. Oh, I'm so glad to know you feel that way. I certainly didn't mean any disruption, just encouragement, which I suppose came from my own misunderstanding of the direction I thought you were headed with your writing. You're right -- there's so much more to our worlds than what we share on these blogs!

    Anyway, don't mean to blather on -- just want you to know that I'm excited with you about these new possibilities, didn't mean to jar you, and can't wait to hear more!

  5. Kirsten,

    I respect you for your vulnerability and honesty in this post. You are at a very difficult, yet exciting time in your walk with Christ. God will faithfully show you the way and I will be waiting on sidelines, excited to see what God is going to do!

    I was surprised to hear about your change of heart regarding your relationship with Jordan. I look forward to your post. I am curious to know what you discovered about yourself and your needs. Like L.L., I, too, have a strange fascination with courtship. . . it is such a mysterious and personal process.

  6. Christianne -- thanks for the clarification! I knew you didn't mean to imply the promotion would be a distraction. My writing has been quite prolific of late, it's just that none of it has been posted or officially published anywhere (yet). :o) Whatever happens, it promises to be an adventure in trusting God!!

    Rebecca -- thank you for your kind words. I don't think I would be able to exercise such trust right now if it weren't for how God met with me on the week of my retreat. I won't say that trusting is easy, but having opened myself more to the heart of God, I understand now in a way I haven't before how much He desires goodness for me. So in a way, I suppose I am having an easier time trusting now.

    When I first posted this, it was my intent to post something about what led to the decision Jordan & I made this past week. It is a topic of fascination with me also, and I imagine I will know my own mind & heart even better once I take the time to write it all down.

    Thanks again. :o)

  7. Pretty inspiring adventure, Kirsten—your life.

    Be confident He will lead you. Pray for specific answers and make sure these answers line up with His word and His spirit in you. Know you are not alone.

    Elizabeth Elliot said that if you are faced with a decision that is unclear, choose the harder path and then let God show you if that way is really required of you.

    (I hear the music starting...)

    I do have one question: did you ever find out why for sure, you were losing so much weight? Was is the gluten thing? How are you doing now? (if this is too personal, I understand, NP)

  8. Thank you for your words of wisdom, 23 Degrees. And may I say, it is nice to see you again!

    At this point, I am waiting with open hands, ready to accept whatever He shows me, to go wherever He leads me (gasp!! ... I think. What did I just agree to??) I know that whatever that path may be, I will be led by One who knows where He is going.

    I did find out about the weight loss, and it was related to gluten ... and to dairy, so those things are now absent from my diet. They had quite the way of irritating the digestive tract so that I wasn't absorbing much in the way of nutrients and energy from my food. My weight is holding steady now & I am feeling healthy and energetic. Thank you for asking!

  9. Kirsten, thanks for the warm greeting.

    I am glad to hear the weight loss conundrum has been solved and you are feeling healthy and energetic again. Was praying for you, God is good.

    You say you are waiting with open hands, ready to accept whatever He shows, wherever He leads—I know His promise will be true, to "strongly support those whose heart is completely His." Your attitude is contagious, encouraging, and all He needs to change the world, one cold cup of water at a time, or maybe one latte' at a time.

    So, where does your great passion and the world's great need intersect?