Declaring a Boundary

I think this topic merits its own post. I don't want to be lengthy; I'm not going to quote Scripture, regurgitate the Catechism, justify myself, or list all the questions I've asked and answered already.

Allow me to thank you corporately for your responses to my previous post. I mean it sincerely when I say I trust each one is moved by a sincere and loving heart.

Please know this: not a question has been asked here or a thought shared here that I have not already encountered; there has not been a concern addressed that has not already been on my radar. I realize that those reading this blog are being exposed to this from me for the first time, so I understand the surprise and concern.

I have been undertaking this study for several weeks now, looking at both sides and doing my best to ensure I am approaching this in as balanced a manner as possible. If you could have known the tears, the fervent prayers, the journal entries, you would know that I have not approached this lightly. I pursue it still, not because I'm trying to force myself to fit a mold to satisfy any other human being, but because what I have learned thus far has inspired me to continue on this path. I find myself compelled to continue.

I love sharing what I'm learning with people. I love pursuing knowledge in new areas that spark my interest and right now, this is a huge one. Through studying this branch of the Christian faith and meeting those who practice it, I have found much of the knowledge I thought I possessed in this regard to be no knowledge at all. Much of what I believed to be true was rubbish.

I came to the conclusion today that my openness and eagerness to share is not serving me well here. I have invited far too many voices into the conversation, and while a part of me loves the discussion, I find that much of it is making me weary and dividing my attention in too many ways.

I do believe it is a worthwhile endeavor to pursue these questions and to find the best possible answers to them, regardless of whether it means I end up where I started, or that what I learn demands a significant change in how I practice my faith.

While interest was sparked by a very specific person, I am pursuing this now on its own merit. If he decided tomorrow that he was going to drop me like a hot potato, I've learned enough to know that I could not just let the matter rest.

And so friends, I continue to covet your prayers. Offer them as you will. As for me, know that I'm still on this journey, still entreating God's wisdom and guidance, still asking questions. Still asking God to show me where I may be deficient in my faith (or in its practice). Still willing to hear that answer. But I need to limit the voices allowed into the conversation.

And so I ask friends, that you trust God with me, and that you trust me.