I've got to tell you, friends ... I don't really get this whole going quiet thing I've got going on. I don't understand this need I feel to keep secret and to guard those things that have been planted in my soul. I don't understand why I don't feel like saying anything right now.But that's how I feel.
So much happened for me at the Writer's Conference: things to do with writing but even more than that, things not to do with writing. Things that spoke to those places where remembering hurts; things that I felt pulled toward for reasons beyond my understanding. In truth, a substantial portion of what made that time away so good for me were things that made writing take a backseat. These are things that, while not particularly personal or private, are things that I'm just not ready to share right now. I don't know why.
Like I said, I don't get it. It doesn't make sense to me. But maybe it's because these things are like seeds planted deep in the cool earth, waiting to die and take root; waiting for the proper amount of water and sunlight and time to coax forth life. Slowly green shoots and leaves will push from underneath the ground, and finally one day, bloom.
ravine photo by kirsten.michelle
Slow is good! I'm glad you're taking time and not rushing the fields. We're talking about the rest of your life here, not just your plans for next week :) Besides, I'm happy to sit with you and wait till you're ready. I don't have anywhere else I'd rather be.
ReplyDeleteTake care of you
hi, friend. i don't have a lot of space to give to reading blogs and commenting right now while i'm in CA, but i wanted to stop in on you (of course!) and say how proud i am of you. really, all of the people in our blogging community are so beautiful, and i'm so proud of each one of you because of how carefully you take the work inside your soul.
ReplyDeletethe picture on this post is so beautiful and serene. is this the ravine you visited on your first day at the conference, or is it a different place?
i know you know this and are already doing this, but i'll say it anyway and echo dean's words to you above: do what you need, take care of you, and we'll always be waiting here when you are ready to speak.
love you, dear friend. miss you.
this is very deep and difficult work kirsten, and i'm glad you're listening to the need to just sit with it. none of us are going anywhere, and in fact it sounds like most of us are in a similar place. we'll just keep you company in the way that good friends do...just by being here with you. no need for explanations or anything at all. much love little sister.
ReplyDeletehi dean - i like that expression, "rushing the fields". and it's so true, with life there's no need to hurry in there & get it all done now. ;o) thanks.
ReplyDeletechrisitanne - comments from CA, don't i feel special!?! there's something deep going on here at a level i can't understand. i trust God is in it & am having a time of letting go of my need to "get it". bleh. thanks for the encouragement to take care of myself & my soul during this time, to be obedient to those things God is about.
blessings to you & kirkum this week!!
p.s. that ravine is indeed the one i visited at mount hermon, by the way. ;o)
terri - thanks, lady. i think i'm having a hard time of "not getting" what all this is about. i want to understand it. but so often with God-sized things, we can't get it. duh. thanks for the encouargement to sit with this, & to allow God to continue those things He's about.
peace, sister.
Do not apologize for taking time to ruminate on things. The world has enough people spouting off at a moments notice, and a lot less contemplatives. It is O.K. to be a contemplative, in fact it is mandatory for the well kept soul.
ReplyDeleteKeep your garden green, if you do not then Satan chokes it out and into death. I know that myself, and the other 50 or so regulars that stop in do not want to see that.
We look forward with anticipation and what you have learned, some we will know, the rest is between you and God and will forever define the language of your soul with God. We dont need to know it all, we just want to see how you are going to use it to grow in creativity and love and truth and all those things that are noble and true.
As I kind of said in my recent post, sometimes the things we've experienced are just too big or the wrong shape to fit into words. And that's just how it is. So we write about that strange phenomenon. Which is the beginning of speech and form.
ReplyDeleteI like how you've written about it here. And I love your creek photo.
After how quickly everything has happened for you this last month, it doesn't surprise me that you're lost without words right now...so much, so big, has happened. I think there will be a time for you to share...and a time to let your heart grow into the new places it has found. Love you. Also, love the pic, but in an entirely different way ;)
ReplyDeleteK.
ReplyDeletei love it that you are not forcing something out that's not there. well maybe it's there and we're not supposed to see or read it. you're paying attention to yourself and that is so healthy!
one other thing: god gave us boundaries for a reason. it's vitally important to respect your own and i think it's wonderful that you are . . .
Kirsten
ReplyDeleteA few things struck me from this post, first you said, "a substantial portion of what made that time away so good for me were things that made writing take a backseat."
I don't know the details of what you meant here and it is not necessary for me to know. i will say to you that it made me seriously reflect on what life really means. For you to say something made WRITING take a back seat you had to have encountered SOMETHING. And in my heart i wonder if that something was God Himself.
A lot of what you have said has pointed to the cross. That is where we meet HIM. God blesses us with gifts but our source of who we are goes so much deeper than our gifts.
Kirsten you are first His little girl and then a writer. The writers heart flows through the one who gave you the gift. It is a gushing waterfall drowning you in its grasp and drowning those who He will send your way. A gift is a gift until Jesus the gift giver takes that seed He plants and awaits its bloom.
I think God is smiling Kirsten. He knows you want your words to not just be gifts but be darts of love fueled with passion, touched by the finger of God piercing the heart of the hearer.
My God, my God! Kirsten you have stepped into a door of another place. Girl my heart is burning like living fire, in my desire to see you find God face to face. You may come out like Jacob, walking with a limp but you will leave Jacob laying in the grave and when you bloom you will no longer be called Jacob but Israel.
Kirsten two things burn me alive humility and passion for God. The men and women in the Bible lit a fire in the heart of God, a blazing fury that even the Heavens could not contain the glory. Before i leave this Earth i pray that God will give me just a taste, just one glimpse, just one drop of a love that can burn me alive.
Kirsten i know that is your heart and cry girl, cry until you run out of yourself, cry with passion to KNOW HIM. If there is anything i am crying for God to do in my life at this moment is to give me the desire, the grace to embrace the nails. It is when we begin to bleed that we see the need for Him and need to let go of us. Kirsten you are a fire that God wants to light. I will leave you with these thoughts, what if God burns His imprint in you to the point He uses you to not just write but change the course of lives that need what is inside you.
What if you write something so powerful that you leave a mark in history? what if God uses you to transform an entire nation because you waited on Him to take your pen?
Dream big Kirsten, dream big, and when you are tired let God pour into you a bigger dream. Even the sky itself is not the limit, we are talking about a powerful God who even the oceans bow to, the clouds pay homage to. The stars sing to. The Earth must give all its glory to. Ha ha we don't have a clue as to who this God really is. You speak so many times about God being so majestic, that tells me it is all there in your heart, the passion to pursue this majestic mystery called I AM.
I truly love you and you are headed to places. (blog hog sorry i got on a roll there because you said something that made me start burning, so there i will blame it on you)
I love that you are guarding things, and holding them close to your heart. Sometimes, i feel that we allow ourselves to be an open book, and by doing so, somethings that are meant to be sacred, are put out there for all to see.
ReplyDeletekirsten, there is so much depth inside of you being heard "like seeds that push the earth" these times of growth appear quietly, unseen. peace, be still and know.
ReplyDeletekirsten,
ReplyDeletesit....allow...
breathe in the space around your heart...listen...
let go....sit with it.
We'll always be here with you...
waiting to hug, giggle, cry, comfort, you...
but for now...
we are all gathering in a circle around you...
just being with you...
praying with you...trusting God...
sure you can feel the 'lovin' xx
carl - i don't know quite how to explain it, but apologetic is not what i'm feeling. just a little baffled & perplexed at this, i guess. i don't get it, but i'm just going to honor it anyway. i'm glad you're along for the ride & when the time comes, i look forward to sharing what this is all about!
ReplyDeletel.l. - i think you said it: some things are too big for words & that describes as well as words could where i'm at right now.
sarah - until i read your words a few days ago, it didn't dawn on me how much has transpired in the past month: the letter to my body & everything since has been scarcely a month. and there have been things that came out of that that i haven't even written about here. it's just crazy. no wonder i just need to sit with the immensity of this, just marinate in it, see what comes of these seeds that were planted.
dave - thanks for your encouragement. this is such a weird place to be, & i know i'm around people who will honor my need to stay quiet with all of this for the time being.
tammy - wow. i don't know what to say, tammy. except if that's what "blog hogging" looks like, you're welcome to it any time. i love the fire & the passion you convey here & it means more to me than i can describe - your passion stirs me & rekindles my own. i'm hanging on to those words that have poured out of you. i'm hanging on to them like precious gems.
ilse - thank you for your encouragement. i think i need to hang on to these things because i don't really know what they are yet, much like you can't tell what kind of plant will come just by looking at its seed (i imagine that there are people who can do this, but to those of us not experienced in botany, i think you know what i mean!!). God has been busy sowing seeds & i think now is a time where they're barely waking to life beneath the surface
di - thank you, sister. thanks for the encouragement & for waiting for these seeds with me.
periwinkle - thank you for your sweet & tender words. thank you for being here in the waiting with me.
peace to all.
*k
i can't wait for the day of bloomation! or as you would say, bloom-ness.
ReplyDeleteagain i shall say, i miss you sis. i'm glad you're taking your time with all this. nobody likes a blabbermouth. ha... i love you! praying for you!
danny - thanks. miss you!
ReplyDeletehi, i new here!
ReplyDeletei love it when writers write about not writing about something! i do not process thoughts very well in my head, so writing them or talking seems to help the processing.
i think that no matter what anyone does, at some points there can appear a pressure to do it in a certain way and with certain timing.
nice blog.
Let your spirit groan and glow within your own life at the right time.. Follow the pulse and your impulses from your spirit of God. Let Him be your guide. Remember He understands the groanings that you are feeling at this very moment. may He bless you as you dig cisterns to hold His word. Those that will give you and others rich life!!!!!!! New wineskins for new wine. peace
ReplyDeletewww.scottrdavis.blogspot.com
give those seeds all the time they need. thinking of you....
ReplyDeletenancy - hello, & welcome! i agree, sometimes there is pressure just to say something, even when we don't feel like it. i'd rather not try to meet that expectation unless it's coming from a place that's sincere.
ReplyDeletescott - i'm so glad He understands our inward groanings even when we do not. i definitely need Him to understand them for me now.
blue - thanks, pretty lady. i think some upward pushing through the earth may be in progress ...
Kirsten,
ReplyDeleteI felt similar after the conference. This is my 2nd MH and last fall I went to Glorieta in Santa Fe, NM. After each one I felt post event processing, jet lag, fatique, excitement and and a low level funk. I thought it would be different this year.
I stayed an extra day after MH and saw two cousins in SJ. One of the guys's faith isn't where it used to be, and it was sad to see the consequences.
You will be back to your normal way soon