Passion, Purpose, & Calling

Leap, and the net will appear.
Zen Saying

The glory of God is man fully alive.
St. Ireneaus

Have you ever heard the voice of God & knew without a doubt that it was Him speaking to you?

There have been few times in my life where that has been the case, but I know beyond a doubt that it’s happening now. A friend noted the other day that I am more driven now than she has ever seen in the years she’s known me. A co-worker described me as “tenacious” just last week. The Lord is moving in my life in a mighty way. It is both exhilarating and frightening.

I realize now that I have known since I was a child what I was called to do & who God had called me to be. I have taken a few detours along the way (I like to think of it as the “scenic route”) and simply thought “God must be crazy”, trying to resist His pull and stay where I thought it was safe and secure. “Not me, Lord. Are you sure?”

I am meant to be a writer. He has also wired me to step out as a leader. The possibility of what this combination could mean is overwhelming until I remember God is behind it.

Scary? YES!! If you know me & find this surprising, you’re probably not the only one. On the other hand, I may not have been masking any of this as well as I thought!

Sometimes I think He must be crazy. After all, He trusts us to represent Him here on earth and He uses us, imperfect as we are, to be His hands and feet in a lost and broken world. But God’s wisdom exceeds our own. What seems perfectly insane to us could very well be the wisdom of God in action.

His word to me has come through clearly in sermons, in a class a church, through my boyfriend, family members, & His voice has resonated loudly in my own consciousness. He’s calling me out of hiding, urging me toward that for which He formed me. I can no longer hide behind cubicle walls or pretend to lose myself in Excel spreadsheets. The detours are over.

The written word has been my primary passion since I was a young child. My mom recently uncovered stories written when I was five or six years old, penned in green marker or scribbled in crayon. One was about a magical “fireplace fairy” and the other a dramatic retelling of the holy family’s flight to Egypt (“let me tell you, it is a VERY scarey story”). Throughout my elementary and middle school years, I would write more such stories for fun. In high school and college, I grew to love essay writing and poetry; I loved doing research on topics I cared about; I loved forming theses and proving my point. Never do I feel more alive and in the right place than when I can express my thoughts in written form.

At church, I am taking a class called Outfitters. It is a course designed to help people hone in on their personality, passions, talents, & God-given gifts in order to find their fits both in ministry and career. I’ve been learning in this class that our gifts are not in perfect form. For example, we are born with our muscles, but training is required to develop them to their optimum strength. Our gifts, the instructor says, are the same way. That was a light bulb moment and a burden lifted: you mean I’m allowed to perfect my gift? I’m not expected to be perfect at it the first time I try? I shouldn’t be discouraged when I am rejected or fall flat on my face?

To hear someone else say it, it seems so terribly obvious that I wonder how I missed it before. With the burden of perfection lifted, I know exactly what I need to do. I need to go into training. I have decided 2007 will be all about getting my feet wet & getting some good practice in. Read, write, & join a local writer’s group. They’re everywhere around here, all ages and levels of experience.

Another aspect of this class is discovering personality type. On the MBTI scale, I’m an ENTJ (I’m actually low on the E scale; I’m as close as you can get to the middle of the E/I scale without actually being in the middle. The instructor said it is likely I may also display INTJ tendencies. The E/I part may be borderline, but the "NTJ" part is solid). My personality type is specifically geared toward leadership. This personality type makes up a scant 1-3 % of the global population, with women making up the minority of this 1-3%.

My instructor says that the church often misunderstands women with this personality type since ENTJs are abstract thinkers, tend to process information with logic rather than feeling, & also are decisive, structured people. These are typically seen as “masculine” traits. This explains so much: why leadership in my previous church told my Dad I needed to be better controlled (after I wrote a letter to the board regarding some dishonest practices on part of the leadership), & why at times I felt so completely out of place as a woman at Biola, being told by a very few (but memorable) individuals that I needed to be “more feminine”. I wondered at times, what is wrong with me?

I was skeptical, questioning if I was truly expressing my God-given personality or if I was being rebellious & sinful. Now I can say with certainty that though not a “typical” female personality, this is really how I’m wired. I cannot try to bend myself into a mold I was not meant to fill.

Trusting the Lord’s leading, I picked up the phone late last week and ordered a customized laptop, printer/scanner, and digital camera. I was fortunate enough to get a substantial discount on the cost through an employee purchase program through work. I knew my dinosaur of a laptop (purchased in 1997) was going to need to be replaced if I am going to accomplish what the Lord is asking of me. As such, I trust that despite my major-purchase anxiety, this is a decision that is blessed by the Lord & one that was made at His prompting. I am thankful He has provided the means for me to acquire the tools I will need on this new adventure.

Though some things are changing, I’m learning I haven’t really changed at all. God is peeling back layers of a false self I had draped over myself so convincingly that even I thought this is just the way it is, this is who I am.

It is freeing & energizing to begin to realize my true self. I know there is a lot of work to do in terms of acquiring training & practice. I know I can expect a variety of challenges & obstacles. On the other hand, I also know that if this is who God made me to be, pursuing this will be the most natural thing in the world and the work I put into it will give energy back to me instead of taking it away (as sitting in a cubicle processing refunds does). I can be tenacious & I can be driven where my passion is concerned.

But OY … here is the rub: it will be a couple years before I can abandon the “good” job that is ultimately the one of the worst possible fits for me (in terms of a career satisfaction). It is a temptation to do what I really love instead of doing the job I am paid to do, so I will need to be leaning on the Lord & trusting Him to help me remain responsible and committed to the work He has me doing for the time being.

That being said … HERE WE GO!