29 January 2014

Coming back.

I promised myself months ago, before the fireworks burst and fur-clad celebrities announced our transition from 2013 to 2014 in Times Square, that I was going to write again. And here we are at the end of January, these being my first words to be pounded out -- my first attempts at putting anything "out there."

Having a small child at home provides a ready excuse for avoidance, as well as the unending cycles of laundry and dishwasher loading and emptying and picking up bristle blocks and flashcards off of the floor.

I call it an "excuse" because it is. I consider motherhood and keeping the house running to be my first and most important work, but it isn't my only work. Writing is my work, too. And I've been running away from it as surely as Jonah ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction when God told him where to go, what to do.

I've been so afraid. I can see clearly how silly this is sometimes, but when I access a readily available catalog of blogging memories, I remember that the fear, however silly or wrong or restrictive and binding it may be, is not without reason.

When I first started blogging, I met new friends and reconnected with others. I made soul connections in what, at the time, felt like the most improbable way. Across geographic distances that would have made meeting any other way impossible, we had meaningful conversations. The internet felt like a great cozy living room or your favorite coffee shop -- the one with knobby wood floors, eclectic furniture, and tattooed baristas.

Somewhere in the course of my tenure as a blogger, my experience changed. While I maintained those meaningful connections, those cozy conversations with kindred friends, there were also those I could have done without. The critical stranger's voices, those that were only too happy to criticize and cut down, to lambaste and state assumptions about me as fact. Anonymous comments were cyber hit-and-runs, hateful words left without a face or name.

It didn't take much of this for the cozy living room to become a distant memory. The internet had come to feel more like a Roman arena where thousands of spectators crowded in and pressed forward, cheering as the victims du jour were ripped limb from bloody limb by the lions, the crowd cheering More, more. Please pass the popcorn.

I wanted no part of it.

I may share someday what has prompted my return. It's enough now to say that, for a thousand reasons, I know it's the right thing. I still see the arena and lions and crowd of spectators, and I still feel trepidation at volunteering myself like this. But I'm choosing not to let it chain me anymore. I've let loose the shackles, rubbing wrists that are reddened and raw and out of practice at doing this thing.

It's time to write again.

Breathe.



P.S. Jamie the Very Worst Missionary wrote about this recently, too and I may have shouted AMEN and fist-pumped at the end of it.

15 comments:

  1. I'm glad you're back! I missed your writing.

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  2. Welcome back! You've been missed. :)

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  3. I've missed your words, friend. Welcome back!

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  4. It is so good you are here. We need you. Also, I still see the knobby wood floor on the ground beneath us.

    PS: Your allusion to the arena reminds me of the quote that undergirds Brene Brown's book "Daring Greatly": "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly."

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    1. Wow, Christianne. Thank you for your kind words, your presence, and that quote. It's kind of mind-blowing, the parallel with the arena. Putting Brene Brown on my reading list!

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  5. It sure got quiet out here after those heady days back in 2008.

    I'm glad to hear you again after all that has passed.

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    1. Dean! It is so good to hear from you. I wad actually thinking of you as I was writing this post. I'm glad you stopped by. Good to hear your voice again.

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  6. Hurrah! I was so glad to see you pop up on my RSS feed. Welcome back, I've missed your voice. Betsy

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  7. I haven't commented before, but I just want to say how glad I am that you are returning to writing here. You have a unique voice and your blog is one that I always looked forward to reading, even when it made me cry. I very much hope that you can carve out your cozy corner of the Internet again.

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  8. I'm glad you are back! I look forward to your future posts.

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  9. Hooray! I'm so glad to "hear" from you again and so glad that you will write again. I've checked your blogs several times a month, always hoping to see you write again.

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  10. Praying for anointing on words that are to come...

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  11. Yay! I too, have stopped by monthly hoping for a return. Am happy to see that you will be back to writing. You have been missed. Hopefully, us supporters will drown out the critics and if not, we'll at least have your back! :)

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  12. I am just adding another friendly voice of encouragement from my corner of the internet :) Welcome back and many blessings! Rachel

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  13. Long time, no comment, Kirsten! I have left the blog-o-sphere myself for a variety of reasons, but having recently rejoined the 21st century with a smart phone (which was temporarily abandoned as part of a wave of post-baby budget cuts), I was so excited to see you again on Instagram. :) Although we have never met in person, you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers over the years. I am so glad to see that you are writing here again. Your perspectives are always inspiring, lifting and challenging. {{hugs!}} ~Erin

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