11 weeks

Dear Little Bean,

There is no doubt in my mind or in anyone else's that you are moving and shaking and swimming and growing. Mama has felt very, very sick over the last week or so. You should know that no matter how many times I throw up and how much I don't like it, it doesn't make me any less glad that you're here. You're a gift and a miracle, and I never want you to forget it, no matter how tired I am, how much heartburn I have, or how many stretch marks I get.

Before we knew you were coming, we both wondered if we'd be able to have a baby at all. The last few years of my health have been a roller coaster and it got bad enough at times that I was pretty sure that having a baby wouldn't be possible at all. We were open to you, and we waited. And then suddenly, there you were. We know many people who have tried and tried and tried to have a baby, and it just doesn't happen for them. It is one of the saddest things in the world, baby, to want to give life to a little one such as yourself, and not to be able to. So it's really not lost on us, what a great gift this is, and how fortunate we are to be able to have you around at all.

We got to hear your heartbeat last week, and we nearly floated out of the midwife's office with joy. You must have been squirming and swimming and doing flips or something, because you were so hard to find. And then just about when we were ready to give up on finding you this time around, you paused long enough for us to hear that long-anticipated thud-thud-thud-thud; it sounded like someone running on a treadmill. Loren (the midwife) said you sounded strong and healthy. Somehow, we knew you would be. Even so, we do not take that fact for granted.

You should know, Baby, what a good man your daddy is. He's taken such good care of me when I've been feeling too sick and too tired to take care of myself. He makes me breakfast, puts together my lunch at night, and sets aside my prenatal vitamins since the sight and smell of them tend to make me sick. He gets the foods I crave and doesn't cook with the ones that don't sound good to me. He talks to you and tells you how much he loves you. I'm sure by the time you're born, you will know his voice well.

Love to you, sweet one. I hope you liked the granola and yogurt.