so today i'm going to practice being in love with myself.
today i'm going to take extra good care of myself: i'm buying flowers, fixing a beautiful dinner, opening a bottle of wine, sharing a wonderful meal with mom & sis.
today i'll be ridiculously good to myself, indulge in some special things that i normally reserve, not because i feel i don't deserve them, but because i don't want to them to become common.
today i will laugh.
today i will rejoice with my friends who have found honest-to-goodness love, because it is good & it is real & reminds me that it is possible. it reminds me that god is the best possible matchmaker.
those loves are personal incentive & potent reminders not to settle for anything less, even when the ache is bottomless & even when those mediocre somethings seem like they'll be better than this seeming-endless stretch of nothings.
today i will remember god's love for me is big & crazy & wide & deep and that if i don't have love like that with another person, that it is precisely because of that big, crazy love god has for me. even when ... especially when i can't make sense of it.
today i'll remember that god made that heartspace & he respects its dignity. even he sees it as sacred, a space reserved for another. so today i'll remember that and not try to sanctify it or shape it into something other than it is. i won't let anyone else do that either.
today i'll let my heart be soft, let the tears come if they want to. i'll feel the wanting, & just sit with it for awhile.
today i'll embrace the fact that i am happy & sad, that i am thankful & longing, that my heart is full & empty.
today, i will remind myself how very surrounded by love i really am. i am simply marvelling in how much goodness & blessing is circulating in our sphere these days. god is up to something good & amazing, & we are in it. i rejoice in the giver of all of it.
today i read mccabe's poem. i felt undone in the reading of it; my eyes & cheeks were wet at the end of it. the details vary of course, but the ache is very much the same: going up & down the roller coaster to the heights of hope & to the depths of disappointment, over & over again, getting tossed upside-down & sometimes feeling like you'll surely lose your cookies. feeling deflated, despaired. feeling the leadweight of never. feeling more & more eroded by every disappointment. feeling exhausted, like i can't possibly try this again. feeling a fool for ever having believed any of it was real, that any of it could happen for me.
that poem did something to the soil in that empty heartspace, churned it up, made it good & loose: turning up rocks, revealing roots. it reminded me of those who have come & gone, whose thumbprints are still on the heartscars they left, & also reminding me of the work ahead of me, the soil god & i will be tending together.
i just wonder where is he in whose eyes i might find the color of trust? i guess i still wonder if he is.
flowers for the single girl photo by kirsten.michelle