bambino #3

Most expectant parents I know anticipate the 20-week ultrasound with some eagerness and happy anticipation. Oh, we get to see the baby! and if you're the type of couple that wants to find out the sex, Today's the day we find out if we're buying ballerina tutus or baseball caps!

Ever since Ewan, there has never been such a thing as a routine test or ultrasound in any of my pregnancies. And so it was no surprise to me to wake up this morning well before it was light, and check the time on my phone.

3:30 am: T-minus 6 hours to appointment time.

UGH.

I reminded myself of all the things that were supposed to help me stop worrying: although not impossible, it was statistically unlikely that we'd have another child with a heart defect or other life-threatening abnormality. I was just feeling this way because our very first experience of a 20-week ultrasound threw us into the deep end of every expectant parent's worst nightmare. It probably wasn't going to happen like that again.

I breathed in deep, exhaling slowly.

There was no going back to sleep, and no ever going back to the days of blithely expecting the Best News Ever when you've already been the "someone else" to whom some of the Awful Things have happened.

I let out a breath of relief when everything the ultrasound tech saw today was normal, perfect, healthy as can be. Baby was perfectly developed in every respect, and flipped around from top to bottom a couple of times, probably just to show off and impress us.

I know pregnancies are common, and that healthy babies are born every day, but ever since Ewan I think that it's not overstating it in the least to say that IT IS A FRIGGING MIRACLE that any of us come out that way, with all our parts in the right places and working as they should.

And so we don't take it for granted. We're so grateful to God for another very spunky, healthy child (so much for having a mellow one this time around, eh?) and for the chance to be parents to another sweet kiddo.

So, without further ado, Baby #3 is a ...

P.S. We're leaning toward one name in particular, but aren't totally settled on it yet, so no news on that front just yet. :)

NOTE: For those of you who may not be familiar with our story, the monkey in the picture belonged to our first child, Ewan, who passed away at 16 days old after bravely enduring several surgeries to treat a complex congenital heart defect. From the time he was five days old (his first open-heart surgery) until the day he died, he usually had his arm wrapped tightly around it.

Elimination Diet Reprise!

... and now we take a detour from our traditional fare for something else: FOOD. Oh yeah, baby. Food ... which, as it turns out, has spiritual dimensions when you consider our relationship to it.

But I digress.

What's up
Tomorrow, James and I are beginning a three-week elimination diet. Though the word "diet" has more or less been co-opted to mean changing one's eating in order to lose weight, the primary purpose of this particular diet is to help identify food sensitivities.

A brief history of the elimination diet
I was introduced to the Modified Elimination Diet in 2006 when, after over a year of suffering an undiagnosed digestive ailment and getting nowhere with modern medicine in regards to diagnosing and remedying the problem, I went to a naturopath. Doing this elimination diet was the first course of action. There are many versions of "elimination diets" out there, but the one I've linked to here is the one I did previously and as it turns out, the one we're about to start. After doing the diet, I learned my body was particularly sensitive to gluten (a protein found in wheat, oat, spelt, kamut, rye, and barley grains) and dairy. So I cut them out of my diet permanently and it was amazing how much better I felt.

And though the goal was not to lose weight, I lost 14 pounds in the three weeks I did it. Yowza!!

Why we're doing it now
While pregnancy was extraordinarily forgiving on my food sensitivities, the postpartum period is not. I cut out gluten and dairy again, but I was still having some tummy troubles (believe me, it's better if I spare you the gory details). So on the elimination diet we go! My goal is primarily to identify food sensitivities and for James, the main goal is help restore a healthier eating pattern.

What it is, how it works
If you haven't looked at the link, this elimination diet cuts out the following food groups:

• Gluten 
• Dairy
• Eggs
• Caffeine
• Fruits: citrus, strawberries
• Sugar
• Alcohol
• Meats: red meat, pork
• Nuts: peanuts, pistachio, macadamia

The idea is that you cut out ALL of these foods for a period of three weeks (and any foods that contain any of the offending ingredients listed above) to "cleanse" the body, and then add the foods back one at a time at the rate of one food type every other day to gauge how your body reacts to it. If it's one that's not so good for you, it's amazing how quickly you'll be able to notice how the body reacts to the food.

The challenge
Looking at that list, you may be thinking this is impossible. To be sure, it is a challenge. Eating this way eliminates virtually all processed/convenience foods and forces the dieter to get his or her calories elsewhere. It forces you to get creative. As someone who stayed faithful to this diet for a period of three weeks, I'm here to say that with some careful planning, it can be done.

Though we don't officially start until tomorrow, I've been concocting elimination diet-friendly meals in preparation for the three-week haul. Take a look at today's diet-friendly lunch:

Grilled turkey burger patty with avocado & sea salt; Sauteed kale & grape tomatoes; Baby Carrots

Delicious. Satisfying. And it's so pretty!

So what I'd like to do is chronicle our progress with the diet for you periodically. Don't worry, I'm not going to write about what we had for every single meal, but I'd like to share some of the more interesting ones with you to demonstrate that a person cutting out these foods can eat some tasty, tasty meals in spite of all that's being cut out.

That's right. This is potentially the most boring series of blog posts EVER.

A few extra notes:

• This diet isn't meant to be exhaustive, as in: it's not going to eliminate every single possible potentially-irritating food for every single person. It just doesn't, and I'm not claiming that it does.
• To wit, we won't be consuming anything in the onion family (including garlic, leeks, etc.) because bad things happen when James eats these (another instance where the gory details are better spared). We're also excluding broccoli because I'm nursing, and bad things happen for Austen when I eat it.
• The chart provided in the link says to eliminate salt, but going off of the guidelines handed to me by my naturopath in 2006, we're leaving it in. We're not completely nuts, after all. Also, stevia is a sweetener that's permitted in the diet (again, something from the lips of the naturopath).

An elimination diet no-no

You didn't ask, but I'll tell you:

• I think it's going to be most difficult for me to give up my morning latte (containing the offending elements of caffeine and sugar in the soy milk). That is some "yum!" and "aaahhh!" that I'm seriously going to miss!

And ... here we go!!

Pleasing to the Eye {Genesis}

" ... when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate; and she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate."

Genesis 3:6 (NRSV)

It wasn't long after I stopped blaming Eve for the introduction of sin into the world that, realizing were I in her place, I probably would have done the same thing (alright, alright -- hold the "probably"), that I shifted more toward empathy for her. Don't get me wrong, I knew she made the wrong decision, the consequences of which were utterly catastrophic -- but I started to wonder if she weren't getting even more of a bad rap than she deserved.

Reading Genesis this time around, I felt like I understood her a little better.

Staying away from the one thing God said to stay away from should have been easy enough, at least in theory. But then (with the help of the serpent) she gets another look at what God had forbidden. Look at this tree, she says. It's so beautiful! The fruit looks delicious: soft, plump, and perfectly ripe. So fragrant! It would be a shame for it to go uneaten. And why wouldn't God want me to gain wisdom? Wisdom is a good thing, right? I am hungry after all, and haven't tried this particular variety of fruit before. I could have misunderstood what He meant.

Maybe she reached out a hand and stroked the skin of the fruit, and put her nose against it to breathe in the scent that made her mouth water, taste buds tingling in anticipation. Aside from having an appetite for it, she was able to use observation and her own reasoning abilities to see it was good for food. How could she go wrong? "Good for food"? A "delight to the eyes"?

It seems perfectly reasonable not only that she should want to eat it, but that she should actually do it.

Except that everything went wrong after that -- and we're all living with the weight of that choice. Welcome sin, welcome pain. Welcome strife, welcome evil and enmity. Welcome, shame. Welcome curse, welcome punishment. Welcome, the cascade of events that led to the cross.

That's the crazy thing about evil in the world, I suppose. While it might very well look like an obviously dark and sinister thing, more often than not I suppose it could look much like those apricots up there: pleasing to the eye, good for food, ripe and fragrant and utterly delicious, sparkling on the tongue. Utterly innocent. Good, even. We look at it and we think, Yes, I not only can pluck this fruit and take it in, but I should.

From what we can see, why on earth would anyone warn us against it?

But I have to admit that that like Eve, I can be deceived. Even when applying my intelligence. Even when I possess the best of intentions. Even when avoiding the fruit I find so pleasing to the eye seems like the wrong thing. Even when taking it seems to be the sophisticated, compassionate, and socially acceptable thing to do.

Look at those apricots. It's hard to believe that a taste of something that looks as wonderful and appetizing as that could invite the tumult and disaster that it did. But still, looking at them, I wonder: How could I go wrong?

Ewan's Marker

... is in.

A Good Memory

I was browsing through pictures on my Flickr photostream today and came across this one from this past summer. It's my brother, his wife Annie, my sister, and a very pregnant me goofing off in the park and quite clearly, amusing ourselves.

And it just made me happy.

The Gift of Presence

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.  

Romans 12:15

I can't tell you how much it means to me to experience the love of God through our friends -- to be on the receiving end of another's sacrifice: of time, of traveling, of sleeping on the couch. And it is all so James and I wouldn't have to be alone as we settle into a life that is decidedly and mournfully Ewan-less.

Christianne & me

Jill came first during the last week of October -- her baby Joshua died of a severe heart defect just two days after Ewan did. Though our paths were unique, we each understood a very particular kind of grief. Christianne came and stayed for a few days later -- we laughed, and she held my hand while I cried. She mourned with me.

And in just a few days, Terri and Sarah are coming. None of us knows what our time together will hold, but I imagine we will enjoy more of the same: moments filled with a cacophony of laughter, and moments where words fail us all and are filled instead with tears.

I have such good and loving friends.


P.S. I know it might seem as though I've abandoned this space. I'm fairly certain that no one holds it against me, but it's my own neuroses perhaps that compel me to explain that it's because Team Ewan is a space for me to journal and spill my thoughts about everything right now, since everything I experience and think about lately is shaped by the loss of our beautiful boy. But I'm still here. I haven't left.

From Our Album

You've probably already noticed that given the nature of what's going on in our family, I'm blogging fairly exclusively at Team-Ewan.com right now, so if you want the latest on what's happening with us, please check there.. But I thought I'd post a few recent pictures here ...

We've got some big tests being performed later today at about 1:00 pm. This test will determine a lot about what the approach for his surgery will be, and let us know what we can expect as far as having a positive outcome. Please, please pray for us.

Because I didn't realize it until I processed this photo.

This picture of my brother and sister and I was taken this past weekend on my sister's birthday. I love how our arms are around each other and we're facing a gorgeous sunset on a perfect day.

We were pretty normal siblings growing up, not always getting along, but once we grew up a little, we became tighter than tight. People would ask my parents what they did, for the secret sauce of how they raised us that we were still so close. We'd talk about everything and nothing together. We'd play, laugh, cry, discuss, argue, vent, and keep each other awake on long sleepy drives home.

Things have changed a bit since both Peder and I got married. Our bond is still there, but our priorities have shifted and rearranged as we build families of our own.

Facing the sunset made me think of the endings of old things and the beginnings of new things, about how the new things are often only possible when the old things end, about transitions and how they can sneak up on you and take you by surprise. I was thinking symbolically until it became personal and realized the transitions we are facing as individuals and what that means for the bond we have together.

Kaari just turned 30.
Peder and his wife Annie are moving to Texas in a few weeks.
And I am about to have my first baby, a boy with a very special heart.

When I processed this photo, I realized this may have been the last time for a long while that the three of us would be together. And I began to cry because something good is ending, and something entirely new is beginning that none of us knows about yet. The sun has to set before the new day can start.

and why wouldn't we??

Celebrating 33 weeks over here ...

... and some good news!! (Ewan got his picture taken too!! ...)

kansas :: six

Another fun thing about Kansas, besides seeing the places where things in our story happened? Having fun in places he knows well, making new memories that involve laughter and road signs.

Yes, I said road signs.

Neither of us can remember whether this photo was my idea or his, and I guess at this point it doesn't really matter. We laughed hard while we were making it, marvelling at the odd symmetry of it all: the pregnant lady and the road sign. Apparently Flickr peeps liked it too, because it made it into Explore.

If you're my friend on Facebook, you've probably already seen it. But if not, I give you the photo with a thousand possible captions ...

life imitates art (& road signs), or
warning! dangerous curves ahead, or
by kirsten.michelle (2010)


Got one of your own (a snappy and clever title for this photo)? I'd love to hear it!

Some other newly-posted summer lovin' photos from Kansas that I love ...

tireswing
(Yes, I got in. And yes, the process of getting out was hilarious)

a tall drink of water
Many, many of these were consumed in KS

So here I am, inundating you with more pics from our trip. It's nearly the end of July and I haven't even asked about you. What are some of your favorite summer memories so far?

kansas :: five

This isn't any ordinary dirt road in Kansas.

the road
by kirsten michelle (2010)

This road leads to a place that changed both of our lives forever -- even though I wasn't present when it happened. I know there are some new readers here who don't know the love story of Kirsten and James. A fuller version lives here, but here's the condensed version:

James and I knew each other in college (Biola University in La Mirada, CA). We never dated, and we weren't close friends and we didn't know each other well. In college, we had one class together. We had a mutual friend and had just a handful of conversations during my four years there. My general impression of him was that I thought he might make a good monk. He graduated in 1999 and I graduated in 2000. He stayed in CA for awhile, and I immediately moved back to WA. We didn't keep in touch in any form.

Fast forward mroe than eight years to October 2008. James has been back in Kansas for a couple of years working with his brother on the family farm (raising beef cattle) and drilling oil wells. After parking his truck on this road, he drove up on a four-wheeler (because the six-wheeler was broken) to repair some fence. Going up a hill, the four-wheeler couldn't handle it. He fell off, the four-wheeler rolled over the top of him, and he broke his neck.

Because of the broken neck, he got on Facebook (which he never would have had the time for with the impossibly long days he was working) since enough friends wanted to be kept up to date as to his recovery. Because of Facebook, we reconnected. We became Facebook friends on November 12, 2008 (a little over a month after breaking his neck). We became engaged on February 4, 2009. We were married May 23, 2009.

This isn't any ordinary road. This is the road that leads to the place where he broke his neck, to the place where a love story that started over a decade ago got a great big push.

I love that road.

kansas :: four

I almost missed this one.

We were going back through the shots of the birthday party after I had already pronounced myself finished processing them (it's just a reality that when you take nearly 500 pictures of an event, you have to be choosy as to which ones are given the special treatment). And I saw this one. I was drawn to the energy and the much-younger version of myself I saw in it.

jump like you mean it
photo by kirsten michelle (2010)

This is Dacia, our niece. She's the one on the diving board, arms thrown back, knees bent, poised to jump, daring the water. She's not scared of jumping in, she's not hesitating, and she's not being quiet about it.

Once upon a time, this could have been me. This picture spoke to me and made me wonder so many things: about what happens as we get older that makes us scared and hesitant and too practical for our own good, about how we start to be afraid of the water instead of daring the water to be afraid of us. Somewhere along the way, I stopped throwing my arms back and jumping in. Somewhere along the way, I became the type of person to dip my toes in first, to slide into the water gradually and let myself acclimate to the temperature instead of making a splash.

I became the type of person who cared if her hair got wet. What the heck?!

I'm not talking about becoming irresponsible, but living with passion and abandon and enthusiasm, of taking some calculated risks, of giving something your all -- of daring the water to be afraid of you. Because you're fierce. Because you are a force to be reckoned with. I know how the ability to live this way is lost; what I'm more concerned with is how I get it back.

I really want to know your thoughts on this:

Do you feel like this has happened to you at any point in your life (losing your ability to "jump right in")? What does this look like? Have you made changes in any area of your life that allow you to live this way? Any stories, anecdotes, experiences, or insights you have in this regard are welcome here.

kansas :: three

One of the places we visited was the Brit Spaugh Zoo in Great Bend, about half an hour away from where we were staying in Holyrood. Most of us have been to the zoo at some point in our lives, I presume, but one of the many things that makes this one special (aside from being a place that we enjoyed while we were in Kansas) is that it is totally FREE. Can you believe that?

The zoo admission price is FREE. I can't get over that. I live in one of those places where you can scarcely sneeze without getting charged for it. I love Kansas!

I took hundreds of shots here, but I'll restrict myself to showing you just a few of my favorites.

James' grandmother's passed away a little less than two years ago, but her house is still vacant. This is where we stayed while we were there. Having a chance to spend a week where she lived was fascinating; I was captured by the immense amount of details that told a story of who she was and what captured her heart. There are many, many more where these come from and I imagine I'll be sharing some of these details for some time.

An apricot tree in the yard

Hats and coats hanging in the laundry room
 

Spools and spools and spools ...
 

A wall in the kitchen

From the garden, looking past the clothesline and into the chicken shed

And next door to her home, there was an abandoned home. These always fascinating. I wonder who lived here and how they left. I wonder what stories those walls could tell.

There are many more I'm anxious to share from our trip. And don't worry -- I won't go through all 1800!

kansas :: one

There are so many things I have to say about Kansas. I could bellyache for a little bit about being pregnant in all that heat and humidity (which I knew to expect, and which is why the good people who live there have air conditioning), but that's really not what I'm going to remember.

I will remember love and family hugs and seeing where he said he would do anything for me. I remember seeing his mom's paintings and the movie theater his grandparents ran and standing in the spot with him where he said, "So when do you want to get married?" I will remember meeting up with friends and laughing with them and seeing where he was walking the night we spent hours on the phone and his hand turned into a popsicle.

I will remember falling in love with him even more.

I have so many photos to show you. I've processed many of them, but have many more to go. Please let me share just a few of the 1800 or so that we took, since (as the saying goes) a picture is worth a thousand words.

 Thomas enjoys his watermelon

 Cole displays some seriously cool moves off the diving board

Sweet Emily

An old baby doll buggy in the shed at James' grandma's house

On the highway :: Bushton, KS

An apricot tree in James' grandma's yard

Abandoned service station in Holyrood, KS 

Close-up of Mary statue in James' grandma's backyard grotto

A burst of yellow! No trip to Kansas would be complete without it

More to come soon ...

a very awkward exchange indeed

It's the pregnant lady here again with another rant about people's comments about my size. For the record, I feel fantastic. I still love (and I don't use that word lightly) the way I look. I love the way this belly feels. But I'm learning now that it is a well-established fact that there are those people out there who see a pregnant belly and check their brain cells at the door.

I'd like to detail this exchange which happened at an organic grocery store in Kansas.

28 weeks pregnant

Employee: When are you due?
Me: October 5.

Employee: [Eyes bug out and mouth hangs open a little bit]
Employee: Are you sure?

Me: Yep, October 5. I'm 28 weeks.
Employee: Well, maybe you're having twins. Doctors can miss those things, you know.

Me: Well, we've been extensively scanned and the baby that is in there is quite a mover, so I'm sure we would have noticed if there were two babies in there.

[Pause.]

Employee: Well maybe the doctor got your due date wrong.
Me: [Slightly irritated] No ... we've been practicing NFP [Natural Family Planning] and we know exactly -- to the day -- when this child was conceived.

Employee: Well ... uh, well ... Are you SURE there aren't twins in there??
Me: Yep, we've very sure.

Employee: WOW, you're just ... really, really BIG.
Me & hubby: [Awkward, irritated chuckle].

Me: Well, I feel great.
[Somewhere in there, we probably said goodbye]

This photo was taken the day AFTER that exchange.

We had to laugh about it, really. But I kinda really just wanted to slap her.

a word to the not-so-wise

25 weeks pregnant & feeling fabulous

22 June 2010

I had little idea when I became pregnant just how much having an obviously pregnant belly (to many people, I'm discovering) translates to implicit permission to touch the belly (which I was prepared for, and really don't mind) and to offer uncensored commentary on the size of the belly (which I was not prepared for, and am really starting to mind). Over the past several days, I've heard more than I ever imagined I would about the size of my belly.

That being said, I love my belly. I love the shape and the feel of it, and I love how it looks. But even having this mindset coupled with a good sense of humor, dealing with these comments is getting to be wearing downright irritating.

Perhaps I just have not been around enough pregnant women lately, or maybe I just haven't been noticing. But I've always taken it as a universally understood point of social etiquette that when commenting on a pregnant woman's appearance, stating anything other than "You look great!" should be considered with the same amount of caution with which one would consider jumping off a fifty-story building without a parachute or the guarantee of an appropriately soft landing spot.

Boy, was I wrong! As it turns out, common sense is not so common, and people out there everywhere are throwing caution to the wind and putting themselves in harm's way: straight in the path of the irritated pregnant woman.

I kid you not -- if I had a dime for every time someone told me how huge or ready-to-pop I looked over the past three or four days -- I would have at least a dollar. Quite possibly more (but not quite enough to buy a grande decaf soy coffee frapuccino lite with one pump of sugar-free vanilla). And though perhaps I shouldn't be, I'm surprised.

Here are two things I (and most other people -- I think) know:
1. Nearly all women at some point in their lives are sensitive and/or emotional about size/weight/appearance.
2. Pregnant women have, at any given time, an overwhelming and unfathomable amount of hormones coursing through their bodies, the likes of which tend to amplify or exacerbate any given emotional state.

Therefore:
"You look great" is always an appropriate thing to say to a pregnant woman.

"You're HUGE!" , "You look ready to POP! When are you due?", or alternately "Are you sure you're not having twins?" are good examples of things that definitely should not be said.

Needless to say, I am going to spend my free waking hours and minutes coming up with some witty repartee for these types of comments. Or maybe I'll swing my hips just so, and swing them back with enough velocity so as to whack them with my huge must-contain-twins belly.

What about you?
If you've been pregnant before, have you come across this type of commentary? What did people say? What was your response? If you have suggestions, I'd love to hear them!

Or, have you said anything like this to a pregnant woman before (and are brave enough to admit it here)? How did she respond?

P.S. Please keep in mind this is all in good fun. :o)
P.P.S. There's a new post up over at the Team Ewan blog about asking God why. It's not quite as funny as today's post, but I still think there's something to it.

spring is here!!

And that makes me very, very happy!!

photo by kirsten.michelle