18 February 2008

a leap of faith

what in the world is God up to these days?!

i'm so thrilled, i can barely contain it. he has placed people in my life in a very strategic way to be the wind in my sails. he has pushed me forward in a direction that says yes, yes, yes to the calling he's confirmed in me again and again over the past year.

it was about a year ago that i first declared to the blogging world my reawakening to the awareness that i am a writer. in fact, the day that i flew to florida to see christianne was exactly a year from the date i initially made that declaration on this blog. chills, anyone?

i knew our time together was special and important, and i knew [like i stated in our storycorps interview] that we were both on the edge of something big. but i had no idea things would start moving so quickly. there has been more movement in my life where my writing is concerned since my time with christianne than in the past several years combined.

a couple of weeks ago, i published a poem on my other blog that i wrote in college. our friend l. l. barkat suggested i submit it to rock & sling journal and then put another bug in my ear: had i considered attending a writer's conference? the mount hermon christian writer's conference is just a month away, and it's on the west coast.

um, no. not really. not yet. but ...

for someone who has spent the bulk of her life trying on every calling except that of "writer" [lawyer? massage therapist? personal trainer?], i still have a part of me that says really? am i really a writer? do i really belong here? won't i be in over my head? what in the world do i have to say? i kept hearing those ugly voices, voices that i knew weren't those of the God who called me out of hiding, who placed people in my life who have called out my gifts.

so many things are pointing in the direction of yes, go this way. but the voices of doubt creep in quickly on its heels. the voices are loud, sticky ones that aren't easily quieted.

i had plans for my tax refund, but it would be more than enough to cover the cost of the conference and airfare. i had plans for my personal time too [sis & i are planning a trip to ireland & the british isles], but i have plenty to cover what i'd need.

then it hits me: this is about my calling. this is bigger than tax refunds and my accrued personal time. it's about God's calling on my life. it's about the purposes he intends to accomplish through me. it's about making contacts, about learning from those who have walked and are walking this path. it's about trusting him ruthlessly and taking the steps that agree fully with the yesses he's sent my way.

so i've taken that leap: i've registered for the writer's conference. and i've booked a flight.

what. the. heck??

for those of you who are just starting to know me, maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal. but for me this is HUGE: i lead a very comfortable life with a pretty normal job that i happen to like quite a bit: they compensate me well, i've got the best boss in the world, fantastic benefits [401k, health insurance, discounted phone plan], and i genuinely enjoy the people i work with. who could ask for more, right? i like being comfortable [who doesn't?!]. i like feeling financially secure and i definitely count on the regular and steady paychecks my job provides.

but here i am, committing my time in such a way that says: this is who i am. this is who God has called me to be. yes yes yes.

i can't help but think that the events of the past year or two have been leading to this very moment, that my time with christianne and the prayers she prayed on my behalf set in motion this amazing course of events. i'll be with other writers, i'll get to meet laura, i'll be taking another step toward embracing the life God has for me.

this is only possible because there is wind in my sails, a God who jumps up & down, clapping his hands and shouting YES! YES! YES! for me, who dreams dreams for me that are far grander than my own [dreams that are part of his plans and his purposes], and a community who i am confident will be every bit as jubilant, maybe even as over the moon about this as i am.

wow. God is big, God is great. and God is GOOD.

how will i ever get to sleep?


  1. Kirsten
    I for one am standing in the stadium rooting you onward. I can't wait to see where God will take you. I have this same passion for Christianne to see her fulfill the plan of God. It is not about us really it is about people and Gods desire to move in their lives through broken vessels

    I am reminded of a thought that Nathan said tonight while we were talking, he said concerning a personal need in his life, that has not been met......he said i feel like god told me that He has spoke to 4 people to meet that need and He cannot find someone who will listen.

    This is a very powerful statement. God uses people who listen. Just to think that someone in the world may be crying for a Moses to step into their life.

    God looked upon the bondage of the Hebrew people and He met Moses in the desert preparing him to free the Hebrew people. God broke his human strength to the point he was so humbled that God had to motivate him to even believe that he could do what God called him to do.

    This broken Moses was such a contrast to the strong self-willed Moses who had believed so much in the call of God on his life that he killed a man.

    Wow! God broke Moses! if you read in Acts 7:22 it states that Moses was learned in all the wisdom of the Egyptians, and was mighty in words and deeds. This is so amazing because the very thing that Moses was trained to do was the very thing he feared the most.....he said "oh my Lord i am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.

    This was where God wanted him a broken and dependent man, he could no longer trust his human ability, he had to trust in the grace of God. At this point God is reasoning with Moses to convince him that He would be with him in his journey into Egypt. Moses said to God..."these people may not even believe that i heard from you."

    God had mercy on Moses, because of his fear, God sent Aaron to walk along side him to encourage him to walk on into the path God said to go.

    I am writing books these days. But it is a desire in my heart to see you and Christianne follow God into the unknown and step out of the boat as Peter did. Here is the thing, Peter got a bad rap for almost drowning because he lost focus and saws the winds, but if Peter had not have stepped out of the boat he would have never known that he COULD walk on the water. Peter said Lord if this is you bid me to come. Jesus said come on Peter and Peter followed the voice of God.

    I will say this i have lost my vision and let it die in my hands but watching you and Christianne struggle toward the call of God encourages me to walk on and not throw in the towel completely.

  2. i can hear the excitement and passion in your writing!

    this was inspiring to read,
    and i have no doubt that wonderful things are coming your way.

    with love
    mccabe x

  3. beautiful kirsten, the excitement in your voice was infectious tonight. who KNEW what God was up to with you a year ago when he unfurled this calling on your life, brought it up from the deep into your consciousness? who KNEW that so many connections would be made in this blogland that would put little stone crossings on your pathway there? who KNEW that God would unlock the little wild woman in you that would book airline flights like they're twenty-five-cent postcards??

    it's because he has faith in you. or rather, he has faith in the work he is about in you. he has faith in his own handiwork in creating you this way and for these things. hoorah!! we serve a big and astoundingly amazing God!!

    i will say it once again: i am SO EXCITED for you to take this step. i just know it is exactly for you. whatever comes of it, God is with you. and whatever comes of that book proposal you'll be about drafting in the next week or two, God is in that, too. he is guiding your hands as you type. he is guiding your feet where to walk. he is guiding your mouth where to speak. he is guiding you. period.

    loving you, crazy beautiful girl. so proud of you for saying yes to God's great yes over your life. he loves you some kind of amazingness. and to that, i say, "me too!!"

    ps: tammy -- dude. whoa, nelly. you. are. amazing. girl. big. time. i swear, every time you talk about moses, a furl of a fire of holiness blows through the room in which i sit. keep on preaching it, girl. this is God's calling on your life. big time.

    pps: also to tammy -- and you know what? you got a big "whooppeeeee!!!!" out of me with that not-throwing-in-the-towel yet bit. that's right, sister. that's God's hand on YOUR LIFE, too.

  4. You betta step into that callin'! I know God's usin ya.

    Dunno why I am about to comment on this exactly, but picking up on the "need" Tammy made reference to: It is not a need like you might expect. It's not financial, material, or a service. It is simply the need of PRESENCE.

    I think I'm mentioning this because I feel like that, in many ways, you (my little blogging community) have been present for me. This is one of the most overlooked "blessings" we as Christians have to offer. PRESENCE. I was talking with my friend Michael about this tonight -- the need for the Body to present for others. To put it in Christianne terms, there is a need to hear the hearts of others. So many of you have been there for me, as much as you can be over the net. And I am very grateful for that. And I want to thank God for your lives.

    I pray that God makes me keenly aware of the need to be present in the lives of people He brings my way. And if I fail, I know He is a very PRESENT help in the time of trouble. Much love to all of you!

  5. Laura is on my list of people to meet some day. I like the writing she does and I anxiously await her book. She writes from places of pain and of peace. She is the kind of writer I would like to be some day.

    When you meet Mark Goodyear tell him he needs to write more!

  6. rock & sling! i love it!!


    windsurfing with the spirit.


  7. Kirsten, you are so contagious in your joy! I'm glad you are taking this step. Writing is a wonderful gift one can give to the world. And it needn't take you away from your job. Most writers do their writing in and around other things. In fact, it's my opinion that the "other things" are necessary to fuel our writing. Looking forward to meeting you. And I hope you got a little sleep. ;-)

  8. wow. Wow. WOW. As someone who recently realized she'd need to save to go to NEXT YEAR'S Mount Hermon, I'm so excited for you (and a little jealous...but mostly excited). I hope you have a great time stepping out there!

    You have such good ears for God ;0)

    Tammy--are you and Moses, like, friends or something? Because you talk about him like you know him...very cool, girl.

  9. Kirsten, I am so excited for you! I am excited to see what God is going to do through you. I love the image of God jumping up and down shouting, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" in response to your faithfulness.

  10. Reading this reminded me of a very quiet night in the Biola chapel where I was desperately seeking God's presence, because I didn't think it was there and I had no clue what I was doing with life.

    During this time, God flooded me with joy and peace and reminded me of a song by Third Day called "More to This" on their Conspiracy Theory No. 5 Album. It is eerie and amazing how God still speaks to me through this song and tell me that His plan is divine and there are some awesome and exciting things that he has planned for me! I believe you are on this road too and if you get a chance, track down that song or lyrics (http://www.tsrocks.com/t/third_day_texts/more_to_this.html) and give it a listen!

    Keep going girl!!!

  11. Sarah
    Are me and Moses friends? Nate says we are. He says i am still carrying the tablets around with me.

    In my past life we smoked a cigar together. He used to smoke pot but i told him that it was against my convictions so we had a beer and smoked some cigars. See back in the day it was not uncommon for women to smoke cigars.

    I bet you see Moses in a whole new light.

    On a more serious note, i guess we pick people out of the Bible that we identify with and that person becomes very real to us almost as if we did know them. Sometimes i think we put the people in the Bible in some angelic spiritual realm that we forget that they were human.
    Nice to hear from you my friend. You see i have a split personality. i go from totally weird to very serious in a matter of seconds.

  12. Kirsten; go for it and do a great great job and meet great contacts at the writers conference. hope that you are inspired to do great things as a result of your obedience. Peace, in Him scott

  13. tammy - thank you for being one of the head cheerleaders for me in this!! i knew you would be excited. and girl, you have a serious preaching gift. you & moses, on a preaching tour together. i know what you mean about identifying with a particular Biblical character. for me, i think it's the woman who had been bleeding for several years & just wanted to touch the hem of Jesus' robe.

    you can be sure that i'll be keeping you all up to date on this!

    mccabe - thanks for visiting! i'm so excited & look forward to sharing in this journey with you! :o)

    christianne - i knew you would be my #1 fan in this! who KNEW that the ball would start rolling like this after our time together? it gave me chills on the phone when you said that you could actually SEE my book. you seem to have some kind of vision into my life [i'm thinking of that dream you had], so i trust it implicitly. isn't this crazy?! what a big, awesome crazy loving God we have!!

    nathan - guess i better stay on this, huh? i'm going to get all kinds of flack if i don't.

    i genuinely loved & appreciated what you said about presence. i think it was when i was talking to christianne this weekend that i mentioned what i love about our community is that we are PRESENT for one another. i remember a few times in life where i pled for the presence of the Lord, so deep was my need. but we are the body of Christ for each other - we are the embodiment of him here on earth. God's love cannot be disembodied which is why i think relationships within the body (and every member doing his/her part) are SOOOOO important. crucial. oxygen. life-giving.

    thanks for being a part of the journey, nate. it would not be the same without you!

    carl - i am really looking forward to meeting laura! there is something so genuine & peaceful about the way she writes & communicates, something that says she has been to the painful depths & come through grace-filled. and i'll do my best to pass your message on to mark!!

    di - you have been such a tremendous encouragement to me since our paths have crossed! like i said in the storycorps interview - i don't think it would be here [going to a writer's conference of all things!] unless i had been surrounded & encouraged by this beautiful community with whom i can be totally & utterly raw & real, who can be that wind in my sails. bless you, sister!!!

    laura - when i called christianne to tell her the news, i told her that i had no idea when this day started that i'd be registering for a writer's conference at the end of it. thank you for encouraging me to take this step. i am looking forward to being introduced to this new world, meeting those who are living a writing life, & taking in the breathtaking beauty of the redwoods.

    sarah - maybe we'll see each other there next year, then! i am so thrilled, i just dance dance dance [lots of dancing going on lately]. ;o) it helps that i have a band of brothers & sisters surrounding me & encouraging me. i am absolutley POSITIVE that i wouldn't be here now were it not for this community.

    christin - thank you so much!! i am thrilled beyond words!! it's so exciting to be able to share this with you; i recall many big, dreaming conversations in our dorm room ... & here i am, taking this crazy step. so glad you can be along for the journey.

    sean - what an amazing story of how God showed up for you & met you where you are at! i love how He does that, i love how there are times in our lives when we know in a very real & palapble way that HE HAS HIS EYE ON US!! i think there was a part of me that always felt a bit invisible to God [not that that was the reality, but that is how it's felt at times], & now it seems i cannot escape His gaze. i love it! i'm going to have to check out that song too. third day is one of the few christian bands that i can genuinely say i enjoy listening to.

    thanks for stopping by, bro!

    tammy - there are no words? pipes & pot ... & yes, i know what you mean about identifying with certain biblical figures. Moses is a good one. hello, burning bush!! seems like you're having a few burning bush moments of you own these days!

    scott - thank you for the encouragement! this is such an exciting & changing time in my life. it's great to be able to share it with such a terrific & encouraging group of friends. ;o)

  14. Tammy, wow. Clearly, you and Moses are tight. But I know what you mean about resonating with a biblical figure and feeling like you can see through their eyes.

    Kirsten--dance away, sister. Dance, and dance, and dance!

  15. p.s. to christianne - on purchasing flights, I KNOW!!! how crazy is that? fortunately, God has been VERY good about providing insanely affordable airfare for me this year ... which is why i'm thinking He probably has big plans for me to go on that nationwide blogging tour i've been dreaming of ... ;o)

  16. i don't think i commented on it, but i LOVED that poem you wrote. i FELT it in my bones, if ya know what i mean. i'm so excited for you, kirsten, and i think the writer's conference will be just the thing to give you that boost. this all feels good.... really, really good!!!

  17. kirsten, i just had to come by and say i love you. it has been a VERY busy past 24-48 hours, so i've been barely keeping up on blogs (including my own!), but i stopped by here and was overwhelmed, once again, with my love for you.

    thank you for saying what you did about my ability to see you and what is in your future. i just speak what i believe and what God puts in front of me. i hope, indeed, i will someday soon get to hold that book in my hand.

    love you, sweet sister. you and all your romp-around-the-world glory living right now. :)

  18. blue - thank you so much for saying that. i've got the poem almost all ready to send out to the journal the lovely laura suggested, so ... we'll see what happens!

    christianne - so glad you stopped by. the past 24-48 hours have been the same for me [busy as all get out], but i find that turning to your words is a bursting lungfull of oxygen. i love you too, & keep wondering what other surprises Jesus has in store for us in the coming days, weeks, & months. He's just big & crazy, & probably laughing with delight at how he surprises us, spreading the joy & the love, & all that.

    wishing you peace, & deep restful breaths sister,
    - k

  19. I think you are a woman who possesses an extraordinary amount of courage...faith is courage in action. I find it interesting to be reading this post tonight, as I was just pondering how remarkable our God is and how he keeps reeling me in, the Great Fisherman, even as I fight to stay where I am comfortable. I feel like having found your blog, by searching for something totally benign (the diet), is nothing less than a miracle of Jesus and I feel warm inside knowing that He cares so much for me and my weary soul that he would constantly put people, like you, in my life- I am a christian with deep scars and wandering faith, who though called by the Lord at an early age, has strayed so far from the cross that most of the time, I can barely see it in the distance of my spiritual horizon. I'm looking forward to my weekend where I can grab some tea and lay under the covers, soaking up your words, and praying for clarity and forgiveness. I enjoy your writing immensely and want you to know that you are an instrument of our creator and one whose calling is not in vain- for it touched a stranger like me! :) Judy Sombar

  20. dear judy,
    wow. i already wrote to you, but i wanted to say it here too: your words bless me & i can't begin to describe how awed and honored i am that God should use my experiences with the modified elimination diet so that one day you'd Google it, & somehow find it here & be pointed to Him.

    WOW. [jaw is on the floor]

    blessings to you this weekend, peace to you.

  21. flippin' amazing! i can't wait to see where this leads you. i'll be your grasshopper when it's all said and done...you can teach me everything you know about writing so that i can walk over the fly paper without messing it up. :) you go girl!

  22. I know I am chiming in late but wanted to say how great it is to hear this news!

    It will be interesting to see where the waves of an untamed God take you, and I so look forward to reading about your journeys, my friend.

    Loved "Tidal." Wonderful piece, especially, "no longer in love with what was tame."