11 October 2010

Jesus wept.

Ewan Eliezer Petermann was laid to rest on Saturday, October 9, 2010 -- just three weeks from the date he was born. To say all of this is difficult to take in is an understatement.

This picture of our priest incensing Ewan's casket reminded me of Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus. The priest, like Jesus, believes in the resurrection of the body. He, like Jesus, knows this is not the end of the story. But the sadness on his face reminds me of Jesus who, though he was about to raise him from the dead, wept at the tomb of Lazarus.

Though it doesn't take away the feelings of loss, it helps to know we have in Christ a savior who does not distance himself from our sorrow -- one who not only holds us as we weep, but weeps with us.

Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy.


  1. our Lord is great and loving. He is holding sweet baby Ewan with his Whole heart.. <3

  2. Dear Kirsten,

    I have been following your story about Ewan via a friend on Facebook. Your story has moved me in ways that even I didn't imagine ...

    Maybe it's because Ewan looks like an angel that he touched my heart from the moment I saw the first photo of him. Maybe it's because you are such an eloquent and amazing writer and photographer (I hope someday you use this gift to write a book) or maybe it's because I am a mom and can understand what it means to love a child down to your core.

    But what I think it really comes down to is that I try to imagine how I would deal with a situation like this, yet cannot even fathom how. I too am a Christian and pray to our Lord as often as I can ...and not just for his help and strength, but I thank him each and every moment for the wonderful blessing that he has given me and my family. But I have to admit that I don't know if I would have the same strength and courage that you have demonstrated.

    I know you say God has guided you and lifted you up, yet I credit you for your inner strength and grace. I hope and pray for you and your family to continue to receive the strength you need to move forward and enjoy life someday -- in Ewan's honor.

    May God bless you and give you strength for all the days of your lives.

    Many blessings,
    Ellie, Redmond, WA

  3. Kyrie eleison . . . can't tell you how many times I've thought that for you over the last couple of weeks.

  4. Dearest Kirsten,
    I have been following your story also via a friend on facebook. I read what you post everyday and start to cry myself. I lost twins in April at 27 weeks gestation. They could have lived outside me... but we did not know their cords would twist so badly they would die....
    I feel your loss and pain.
    I know what it is like to lose a child that you barely had time to get to know.
    I know what it is like to feel so helpless and upset you just want to scream til your throat hurts. I know what it is like to have an empty nursery to come home to.
    I know what it is like to miss that baby so much you can't stand it... all your hopes and dreams for that child are gone.
    I also know what it is like to be loved and held by Christ. I wanted to run away from him and be mad at him for taking my boys away, but I just couldn't. He is the only one I can run TO in a time like this. I will never understand, as you may never as well; why He had them with us for such a short time, but He had a purpose for it. Its tough to say that, but all I know is Christ never promised us a life without pain and suffering, He only promised he would be there in the midst of it. I feel him with me daily and I hope you do too. I will keep you in my prayers. I listen to a song every day by Natalie Grant called Held... its on youtube. Its awesome... please check it out.
    In Christ,
    Kristi Anthony

  5. praying for you
    just seeing that teeny casket is wrenching to the heart. i was thinking today... thinking about how everything on ewan worked: his feet moved, his skin covered him beautifully, his mouth could talk to his mommy and his eyes could interlock with hers, his liver did it's work and the other organs as well, but not his heart...it's so simple, that the heart needs to work to have life. but, at the same time it is so perplexing, that everything else was so perfectly in order and yet he had to have a functioning heart. oh, it is a deep sadness, and yours is more over and deeper. yet, we grieve with you and pray for you and james. thinking of you, thinking of ewan. lovingly, the felmleys

  6. Elizabeth GoodrichOctober 12, 2010 at 2:43 AM

    The Lord is near to the brokenhearted ... and it is comforting to know that even if we are accepting of God's will, that it's okay to mourn, that it's okay to be broken and weeping. Praying that Jesus will hold you and James in His arms tonight and give you peace and comfort.

  7. We weep with you.. but not like those that have no hope... knowing that Jesus keeps all our tears in His bottle, cupping our faces in love....

    The High Calling Community sits with you....

    All's grace,
    Ann Voskamp

  8. also from The High Calling Community...

    I continue to hold you and yours up to God in prayer.


  9. We weep alongside you as well. holding you close in prayer.

    Kim, NE

  10. No one should ever have to see their child in a box like that. You're in my prayers.

  11. That is a beautiful and heart-wrenching picture.

  12. My granddaughter, Emma, was born the day of Ewan's passing. It's odd to think of it this way, but I can imagine them passing each other - one in transit to earth, her journey beginning, and one back to God, his journey done. They see each other's faces and smile, for, together their two half hearts would make one whole ... You see, Emma began this journey with the treatment and procedures for HLHS the morning Ewan's journey was complete! It is so true: length of life comes with no guarantees. We hope to have Emma here to live a full life, and yet none of us can measure how many days that will be...or years...or even decades! But I think of what a friend told me when she found out about Emma's HLHS: "You have her now...and you'll always have her...because SHE IS." That is Ewan too: no one can take him from you ... he is ... and always will be ... that little Soul you gave life to lives now with God, but HE IS because of you. Maybe Emma, passing by Ewan, called for him to play with her little sibling whom we lost in miscarriage last year. Surely she/he and Ewan are playing on God's streets of gold at this very minute...and they are smiling...and whole! God IS good, as my son writes on Emma's blog daily. Even when from our perspective things are bad, God IS good! God bless you in the days ahead. I am so glad that Ewan IS.
    Emma's Nana Jana

  13. it breaks my heart that there must be small enough caskets for babies like ewan. we're all grieving your loss with you as the days, weeks, months pass.

    i have no children of my own, but your strength gives me strength within everything i do each day. makes me hug my little brothers a little tighter and tell them i love them even more.

    god bless little ewan and the amazing lessons he taught everyone during his all too short time on earth.

  14. I'm saying prayers for you guys. I hate this for you guys. Love you guys!