mysticism & sanity

in my heart, i want spider's webs
{view on black}

{Went on a freezing cold walk the day after Christmas and amongst many other things, was struck by this delicate branch threaded with a spider's web and accented by wee water droplets. I could have stood and contemplated this scene for hours. And hours and hours. It kind of seemed crazy at the time. Even then, I didn't understand why I was so transfixed ...

... but then I realized it might have been the sanest thing.}


"Mysticism keeps men sane. As long as you have mystery you have health; when you destroy mystery you create morbidity. The ordinary man has always been sane because the ordinary man has always been a mystic. He has permitted the twilight. He has always had one foot in earth and the other in fairyland. He has always left himself free to doubt his gods; but (unlike the agnostic of to-day) free also to believe in them. He has always cared more for truth than for consistency. If he saw two truths that seemed to contradict each other, he would take the two truths and contradiction along with them. His spiritual sight is stereoscopic, like his physical sight: he sees two different pictures at once and yet sees all the better for that. Thus, he has always believed that there was such a thing as fate, but such a thing as free will also. Thus, he believes that children were indeed the kingdom of heaven, but nevertheless ought to be obedient to the kingdom of earth. He admired youth because it was young and age because it was not. It is exactly this balance of apparent contradictions that has been the whole buoyancy of the healthy man. The whole secret of mysticism is this: that man can understand everything by the help of what he does not understand. The morbid logician seeks to make everything lucid, and succeeds in making everything mysterious. The mystic allows one thing to be mysterious, and everything else becomes lucid."

G. K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy

photo by kirsten.michelle
Canon 40D

rich*

Who, being loved, is poor?
Oscar Wilde



reflection: kirsten & james
Canon 40D
July 2009

Tomorrow marks twelve weeks of
loving
learning
growing in intimacy
crying (a lot)
laughing
revealing
knowing
studying
praying, praying, praying
being his sweet one
not being poor
growing richer every day


This weekend, we're off to my hometown to celebrate the cluster of birthdays and anniversaries that occur in August, and I'll have James at my side. My husband. I never thought I'd be speaking those words. Will they ever lose their luster?

I love you, James.

Books, Books, & More Books...

A room without books is like a body without a soul.

-Cicero

Yes, it's another post about moving!!

This is what has been occuping both my mind & my body this week. Oh, that and the fact that I started my new job this week. Nothing like ripping everything out by the roots and changing everything at once, is there?? I expect my cognitive abilities to return and a new equilibrium to be established once the boxes are unpacked, the dust has settled, and I am sleeping a decent amount of hours every night. So far, I am loving my new position and look forward to embracing the many challenges it presents.

I know I'm in good company here when I say that I do not feel like I am at home unless I am surrounded by my books. It's always a long process hauling out the boxes (10 of them, to be exact), setting up the folding bookcases (good for a woman who seems to have a somewhat nomadic existence), and grouping the books on the shelves (should I do it by size? color? category?).

So finally ... I feel like I am home.

Before

After

Just looking at them when I wake up in the morning makes me happy. Anyone else like this??

The Gift of Loneliness

When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. -- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

It is not good that the man should be alone ... -- God, Genesis 2:18

Last week I had the irrepressible urge to watch the film, “Bridget Jones’ Diary”. While hardly a model for moral behavior with her heavy smoking, excessive drinking, and illicit sex, I believe the vulnerable and fumbling Bridget is an excellent partner in commiseration for any single gal.

Even if you possess only a superficial knowledge of the film, the reason behind my inclination will hardly be a mystery. I have quickly been reintroduced to the reasons being a “singleton” can be so frustrating and why, like Bridget, I feel some days like all I can do is stumble awkwardly through my days, flying solo in a world where sometimes, it seems like everyone else has paired off.

Like Bridget, I struggle between the desire to make my way through life confidently and independently, and on the other hand, to be part of a couple. All around me, I seem to be surrounded by smiling couples, all oozing contentedness and telling me things like “someone”, “someday”, and “out there”; these words are intended to be comforting and hopeful, but are too nebulous to be of any use to my heart.

Please don’t think me so naïve as to think that my married friends are swimming in unmitigated bliss all the time; single or married, we all have days where our lives are less than pleasant, and life can be hard work no matter what our marital status might be. Among my advantages I count as a single woman, I love that I can rent the videos I want without discussion, manage my finances as I see fit, or plan trips on a whim without ever having to consult another human being. Singleness does have its benefits beyond spur-of-the-moment travel and hassle-free video rentals, though (it boggles the mind, I know)!

Despite the obvious (and not-so-obvious) benefits when it comes to my relationship status, I have a struggle – one that may not be immediately evident. I have a good life and I desperately want to be content with it. I do not believe I should live in such a way that I am always waiting for something (or someone) else to enjoy it fully. I want to embrace my life and live in the now. I cannot be relying upon the maybes, the not yets, or might not happens. This does not mean I do not challenge myself to reach new goals, or that I don’t find happiness in or have a measure of reliance upon my relationships with family and friends.

I cannot silence the part of me that longs to partner with someone – with one particular someone – in life. The desire doesn’t abate, and it seems to compete fiercely with the contentment I seek. Perhaps it’s because God made us this way – to be in relationship, to be in community. He made us in such a way that there is a portion of our hearts that only human relationships can fill. It sounds so at-odds with what I’ve grown up believing.

Consider Adam and God in Eden prior to the creation of Eve: God gave Adam the task of naming all the animals he had created; Eve was not around for this, and Adam felt a lack of something he probably could not quite identify. I’ll allow Donald Miller to elaborate:

Moses said God knew Adam was lonely or incomplete or however you want to say it, but God did not create Eve directly after He stated Adam was lonely. This struck me as funny because a lot of times when I think about life before the Fall, I don’t think of people going around lonely. But that thought also comforted me because I realized loneliness in my own life doesn’t mean I am a complete screwup, rather that God made me this way.

He continues,

I looked up how many animals there are in the world, and it turns out there are between ten million and one hundred million species. So even if you believe in evolution, that means there were between one million and fifty million species around in the time of the Garden, and Adam, apparently, had to name all of them. And the entire time he was lonely.

I never thought of Adam the same again. … this was a man who, despite feeling a certain need for a companion, performed what must have been nearly one hundred years of work. … So here was this guy who was intensely relational, needing other people, and in order to cause him to appreciate the gift of companionship, God had him hang out with chimps for a hundred years. It’s quite beautiful, really.

Searching for God Knows What, pp 63, 64-65

And so I don’t think of loneliness the same anymore. There Adam was in the Garden, with perfect and unfettered access to God, and he still experienced a longing his relationship with God could not fill. Adam needed another like himself to partner and live with in community. I don’t have this unrequited longing because I don’t rely enough on God or, in Donald Miller’s words, because I am a “complete screwup”. This is the way God created it to be; needing other people is a part of the beautiful and heartbreaking journey.

I was speaking to a married friend the other day about the pithy clichés couples spout to their single friends in an attempt to squelch their disappointment with being unattached, and how thoroughly grating it can be to be on the receiving end. She replied that it was hard to know what to say. Even though I know it comes from a place of love, care, and of wanting to be a help, the last thing I want to hear is something like “there is someone out there for you”, “it will happen when you least expect it”, or “you’re just too intimidating”. Some others I’ve heard are, “God just isn’t done with the two of you yet”, “you just need to get yourself out there”, or “you just need to wait for God’s timing”.

The truth, friends, is this: however true the words may be, there really is nothing that can be said to relieve the deep soul-ache that is being single when you are longing for that unique and singular attachment with one other human being: someone who complements you and somehow causes you to know yourself better. You are not incomplete without him, but somehow being a partner in this relationship causes you to become more of yourself.

I cannot speak for others, but as far as this single-girl variety of loneliness goes, I am not looking for a fix (it is not broken) or a cure (it is not an illness). I don’t need advice on where to meet the good men that are “out there” or to be fixed up on a blind date. I’ve heard good things about some internet dating sites, too. I just want someone to listen when I find the need to unburden my heart; I want someone to connect with me in that moment in order to remind me that I am not as alone as I feel at times.

I truly believe singleness is as much of a gift as couple-ness is, and rather than seeing it as a layover on the way to an eventual destination, I see it as an opportunity to be about the work of my Father and to delve deeper into the exploration of who He has created me to be. I imagine God has work set aside for me, whether or not my future includes a partner. I imagine there will be periods of vast contentedness, and also days where I want to scream and tear my hair out in frustration, asking God, how many more animals could there possibly be?!

So you know what? I’m just going to be lonely sometimes. I will sit with it, I will make a map of it. I will cry and I will laugh with my friends. I will worship with the Body and I will extend love to my neighbors. I will read voraciously and learn more of what it means for me to be a writer. I will pray, I will praise, and let God plumb the depths of my soul. I will keep my eyes, my hands, and my heart open.

And we will see what happens.

Modified Elimination Diet: Week 2

The business of having been issued a body is deeply confusing -- it's another thing I'd like to bring up with God. Bodies are so messy, and disappointing. Every time I see the bumper sticker that says, 'We think we're humans having spiritual experiences, but we're really spirits, having human experiences,' (a) I think it's true, and (b) I want to ram the car.

- Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith

Check-up
I had my annual check-up with my primary care physician last week; this was the first time I’ve seen her since I was referred to the gastroenterologist. I gave her a rundown of the revelations of the endoscopy (which was already part of my chart anyway), how I felt rushed out of the office, and that I was being treated by a naturopath for my condition.

She is concerned not only about my weight loss (now up to a total of 25 lbs), but my mental health as well; she wants me to be on the lookout for signs of depression, but understands my reluctance to pop anymore pills.

I will go back to see her once I know the outcome of the naturopathic treatment and see if my issue stems from an evil culprit in my normal (pre-elimination) diet. It was great to see her again, as she is a physician who has a great patient focus, is a fantastic listener, and asks thoughtful questions.

Elimination Diet Dinner of the Week
Flexible, winging it cooking is my style. No recipe, no measuring, going by sight and taste. This dish was born out of me missing pasta sauce (one of my favorite things to do for dinner is brown ground turkey, add pasta sauce, and serve it over oven-roasted green beans). I made a mental note of the main ingredients in pasta sauce (tomato, onion, garlic, basil) and decided to try those ingredients from a garden instead of a jar. This was the result.

This is a little something I’ve come to call “Turkey Pow”, because the flavor goes POW in your mouth! :o)

• Olive oil (1 good pour)
• Ground turkey (1 ¼ lbs)
• ½ red onion, chopped
• 4-5 cloves garlic, finely chopped
• 2 large chopped tomatoes
• Chopped fresh basil (a generous amount)
• Sea salt (to taste)

In a large saucepan, pour olive oil. On med-high heat, sauté onions and garlic until onions are translucent (about 4-5 mins). Remove onions and garlic from pan.

In the same pan, brown ground turkey. Drain fat and place back on heat. Add onion and garlic mixture back to saucepan with turkey.

To this mixture, add chopped tomatoes & basil. Stir frequently. Lower heat and cover. Allow to simmer 10-12 minutes, or until tomatoes are soft. Add sea salt to taste.

I’ve served it for myself over oven-roasted green beans (I simply don’t care for starch as a part of my evening meal), and even tried it with rice. Mmm!

OTHER SERVING IDEAS (even some for non-elimination diet bellies): try serving with herbed oven-roasted potatoes, pasta, or topping with your favorite shredded cheese (Jordan was a big fan of this addition); I am eager to try it again, substituting mashed tofu for a vegetarian dish.

Adventures in Eating Out
It is hardly surprising that (as far as I can tell) there is no elimination diet-friendly item to be found on any menu in any restaurant. Honestly – who would willingly order it? Following the tulip festival we went to a local brewery for lunch. I braced myself for the warm and savory scents of brewery food and walked through the door.

I made a preemptive apology to our waitress, explaining that there was much I could not eat at present, so I was going to be a difficult customer. I ordered the fish tacos without the taco, without sauce, without a side, but they were willing to compensate for my manifold omissions by adding extra black beans. I advised everything should be as plain as possible.

When the meal arrived, I tasted the black beans (a favorite food of mine) which were accompanied by roasted onions and tomato; something wasn’t quite right. Another bite confirmed my suspicion that the black beans were served in lime juice (and citrus a no-no on the diet). Bummer.

So I had my plain cod and a few bites of cabbage while Jordan hungrily devoured his bleu cheese burger and potato salad. It was just a day earlier that I eyed his raspberry scone with a lustful eye; now the potato salad was the object of my desire (but honestly, I would have settled for being able to eat the black beans). The diet only becomes difficult when I am face to face with something forbidden to me: just like life, isn’t it?

Luckily, I had prepared a lunch (stowed safely away in the car), so I went and gobbled up some of the steamed brown rice once we were safely beyond the enticing scents of the brewery.

Wrapping it Up …
I am feeling fantastic! My stomach feels better every day, further confirming for me that seeking the assistance of a naturopath was the best route for my returned health. Whether from the diet, or the intestinal repair formula (most likely it is a combination of the two), it is working.

There are things I thought I’d miss that I really don’t (breads, oatmeal, cold cereal), but there are things that I miss sorely when I know I cannot have them (like cheese, a glass of wine with dinner, or the occasional indulgent bit of chocolate). But these sacrifices are a minor trade for a body that is getting healthier and stronger.

I thank God, the Great Physician, daily for how I good feel. Good health is a tremendous blessing which I cannot take lightly.

Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
His greatness no one can fathom.
Psalm 145:3

I’m in the home stretch now! Stay tuned for Week 3 …

Walk in the Park

Though it was chilly and threatened rain all day, Kaari and I were itching to take a walk through one of our local parks. This is how we spent our Thursday afternoon ...

In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous.

- Aristotle

The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.
- Henry Miller

Take a Walk With Me

I've been too occupied enjoying the spring weather outside to sit in front of the computer! Here are a few pics from one of my recent walks ...

Nature will bear the closest inspection. She invites us to lay our eye level with her smallest leaf, and take an insect view of its plain.
- Henry David Thoreau