A Blog is Born

I've officially joined the ranks of those who will divide their time between two blogs!! Whether or not this is crazy remains to be seen.

For those of you who may be interested, I've created a separate blog for the purposes of detailing the faith journey in which I am currently engaged. This blog is going to look and act differently than a lot of other blogs, operating within very specific boundaries (which you can read about on that site should you choose to visit). Whether or not you choose to visit is entirely up to you; I will not be the least bit offended (and will really have no way of knowing) should you choose not to read.

I am keeping this blog primarily for my own purposes, but wanted to invite whoever may be genuinely interested in my thought and learning process to view it at your leisure.

So, here it is ...
Cloud by Day, Fire by Night

NOTE: For the purposes of maintaining clear and loving boundaries from the outset, the ability to comment has been disabled for this particular post. I can safely promise that this won't be a regular occurrence here @ lattesandrainydays. :o)

Lesson Learned in Stillness

birch tree photo by kirsten

09.22.2007

I’m grateful to have a weekend at home. My recent weekends away have been terrific, but as the cliché goes, there’s no place like home.

After going through my routine Saturday motions of gym, coffee, and cleaning I realized I had a decent-sized headache coming on. The LORD is teaching me much about the importance of stillness and rest these days, so taking the hint, I lay on the couch underneath the cozy ivory blanket my friend Elyse gave me, heating pad on the pillow.

I still have a hard time with stillness. Nothing is accomplished; me lying on the couch does not get the dishes put away or the toilet cleaned.

Unable to close my eyes, I look out the window. The sun is out and wispy clouds are stretched across the span of a superbly blue sky. The only other object in view is the top of a rather large birch tree, proud and prominent in my backyard. A light breeze moves through its branches and the tree appears to shimmer and sparkle as the pale undersides of the leaves reflect sunlight.

I admit I become mesmerized. I watch moment upon moment as the breeze slows and picks up again, exciting the leaves into motion. The word "beautiful" is shamefully overused, but that’s what this is in a word: simply beautiful.

The dishes still need to be put away and the toilet still needs to be cleaned. However, I can’t help but think that something very important happened while I lay on the couch today, doing nothing but watching the breeze incite the leaves on the birch tree to motion. I’m not even sure precisely what that something important was, except if it was to be still and know that God is still God, and to call to mind that His grace and goodness are great, stretching into even the smallest corners of our universe.

More Medical Fun!!

Yesterday I had Endoscopy # 2 (see previous post). It went smoothly and without a hitch. The doc took some biopsies from a couple different spots along my digestive tract. Thanks to the fact that I was in the lovely state of drug-induced conscious sedation, I don't remember a thing and was able to go home to enjoy a four and a half hour "nap" afterward.

I came home with a printout of the initial findings and recommendations, not to mention some lovely full-color pics of my insides. I learned last time I had this procedure done that looking up medical terminology on the internet that one is not already familiar with is a VERY bad idea (what you tend to find are worst-case scenarios). So there are things on the report I'm not familiar with, and some that I am. The hernia is still there of course, but not the source of any real trouble. My stomach lining is still severely atrophied. Not good news. There were other findings not listed on my previous endoscopy; these are the things I am deliberately not looking up, but will wait instead for my kind and very thorough doctor to explain to me in person.

Tomorrow I go in for an abdominal/pelvic CT scan. These types of scans are used to further assist in diagnosing causes of abdominal pain and/or diseases of the bowel & colon. In preparation for this test, I get to drink two large (450 mL), nasty bottles of a barium sulfate suspension 3 hours apart. The solution is a radiocontrast agent, meaning this will help make the length of my entire digestive tract viewable on the x-ray, assisting my doctor in identifying any further issues not appearing on my endoscopy.

Perhaps I'm speaking too soon (as someone who has not yet had to chug nearly a liter of this chalky barium sulfate solution), but I really do feel blessed by all this. I was dismissed as "stressed out" and just having a "spastic stomach that needs to learn to relax" by a previous doctor, and here is someone who is taking my health seriously and actively seeking answers.

Thank God for the availability of second opinions!

As always, I will continue to keep you updated as I learn new information. I know this isn't the most thrilling of reading, but I'm grateful to know that near or far, whether you've met me or not, there are people out there who care. Color me blessed!!

Sniffles & Stomach Matters

It's been awhile since I've shared anything on the health & wellness front, so I thought now would be an opportune time. Rest assured the adage holds here that no news is good news, but I do have some updates.

I find it only mildly ironic that as I sit here typing this, I am sniffling. Coughing. Clearing my throat of phlegm. Filling my trash bin with an inordinate amount of crumpled plain white facial tissue. So I'm eating some hot homemade soup, drinking my multi-green Kombucha, and enjoying the effervescent magic that is Airborne.

As far as gastrointestinal issues go, I've enjoyed many months of increased energy levels, little to no stomach trouble, and maintenance of a healthy weight. I'm still gluten-free and dairy-free and don't feel like I'm missing a thing. I'm able to enjoy meals out with more and more ease. And if pressed to assign a number to gauge how improved I feel, I'd say I'm anywhere between 80-90% better.

At first, this large an improvement was enough. But both my primary care doctor and I wondered about the remaining 10-20%.

While my energy and overall feeling of physical well-being has improved dramatically over the last five months, lab work reveals that all is not as it should be. I am still severely anemic, still experiencing lower-than-normal calcium levels, and there are days -- despite taking all the proper supplements and following the restricted diet -- where things are just off and noticeably not as they should be. I'm currently waiting on the results of labwork that will tell the naturopath whether or not I may be losing blood (however trace the amount) through the colon.

I recently sought a second opinion from another gastroenterologist. Where the last doctor seemed to be attempting to break records for how quickly he could usher patients out of his office, the new doc took his time with me. My first office visit lasted at least an hour. I felt taken seriously as a patient. There were no pat answers, no just take this antidepressant. The new doc postulated several theories as to what my ailment might be, and the battery of tests he would run in a very particular order so as to make that determination. I am grateful the least pleasant of all these tests (the colonoscopy) will be saved for last (and only if absolutely necessary)!

Tomorrow I go in for another endoscopy. This is the same test I had in early March, but this time the doctor is going to take a biopsy of the tissue. I will have my follow-up appointment with him on October 1 at which point I will either have a diagnosis or will move to the next test.

So I will continue to keep you all updated. I am increasingly hopeful that a proper diagnosis will enable me to pursue even better physical health!!

But for now, it's time for this stuffed-up blogger to take a nap ...

Declaring a Boundary

I think this topic merits its own post. I don't want to be lengthy; I'm not going to quote Scripture, regurgitate the Catechism, justify myself, or list all the questions I've asked and answered already.

Allow me to thank you corporately for your responses to my previous post. I mean it sincerely when I say I trust each one is moved by a sincere and loving heart.

Please know this: not a question has been asked here or a thought shared here that I have not already encountered; there has not been a concern addressed that has not already been on my radar. I realize that those reading this blog are being exposed to this from me for the first time, so I understand the surprise and concern.

I have been undertaking this study for several weeks now, looking at both sides and doing my best to ensure I am approaching this in as balanced a manner as possible. If you could have known the tears, the fervent prayers, the journal entries, you would know that I have not approached this lightly. I pursue it still, not because I'm trying to force myself to fit a mold to satisfy any other human being, but because what I have learned thus far has inspired me to continue on this path. I find myself compelled to continue.

I love sharing what I'm learning with people. I love pursuing knowledge in new areas that spark my interest and right now, this is a huge one. Through studying this branch of the Christian faith and meeting those who practice it, I have found much of the knowledge I thought I possessed in this regard to be no knowledge at all. Much of what I believed to be true was rubbish.

I came to the conclusion today that my openness and eagerness to share is not serving me well here. I have invited far too many voices into the conversation, and while a part of me loves the discussion, I find that much of it is making me weary and dividing my attention in too many ways.

I do believe it is a worthwhile endeavor to pursue these questions and to find the best possible answers to them, regardless of whether it means I end up where I started, or that what I learn demands a significant change in how I practice my faith.

While interest was sparked by a very specific person, I am pursuing this now on its own merit. If he decided tomorrow that he was going to drop me like a hot potato, I've learned enough to know that I could not just let the matter rest.

And so friends, I continue to covet your prayers. Offer them as you will. As for me, know that I'm still on this journey, still entreating God's wisdom and guidance, still asking questions. Still asking God to show me where I may be deficient in my faith (or in its practice). Still willing to hear that answer. But I need to limit the voices allowed into the conversation.

And so I ask friends, that you trust God with me, and that you trust me.

Of Path-Carving & Leap-Taking

Not long ago, I shared that my relationship with Mike is teaching me to carve out a path for myself. Like the Virgin Mary described in the poem I shared, I "looked at the sky / for compass. None." And so I find myself needing to "[create] a road to travel by". Before I explain what this means, I want to share a brief piece of one of the eHarmony reports on my personality discussing the aspect of “openness”. Please keep this is mind as I share more specifically regarding the journey I'm on:

Like someone who can sleep comfortably on either side of the bed, you are equally at home with ideas and beliefs that you have held for a long time and with new ways of thinking and believing that grow out of your intellectual curiosity.

Your sense of who you are and what your place is in the world around you rests on values and principles that are the solid ground you walk upon. You've tested them, they work for you, and much of the time you are content to trust them, that is, until some provocative new idea slips in from a conversation, book or some flight of your active imagination. "Hmmmm. What's this. Never thought of it before." And off you go, exploring.

Since you love to learn, you've always been teachable; you absorb new information, which means you are well-educated in things that matter to you. Sometimes your intellectual exploring will lead you back to where you started; the "next new thing" proves too shallow or impractical to you. But once in a while a new idea or belief will dislodge you from the ground you've stood upon; it is so compelling and persuasive that you step away from the tried-and-true and embrace this notion that is brand new to you.

Because you hold both solid beliefs and are open to new ideas, you are accepting of other people and other ways of thinking and believing. You are flexible enough to listen to something new and different, or something outside of your comfort zone; if it works for you, you'll take it in, and if not, you'll let it go. In this sense, you know who you are: you are neither closed-minded nor wildly open minded, but walk somewhere near the middle of the intellectual road.

Mike is a traditionalist Catholic. It was immediately clear from his profile that his Catholic faith is something that is deeply important to him. What he also made clear to me shortly after our meeting was this: he wants to marry a Catholic woman. This is nothing that he would impose upon me (those of you who know me know that attempting to force something would ultimately prove fruitless anyway), but he was quite clear early on that this is something in which he was not going to waver.

As detailed in the description above, I am someone who knows what she believes, but if something is compelling or persuasive enough, I will embrace a notion that is brand new to me or even other than a belief I have held. It doesn't take a genius to see that Mike is the real deal, so I committed myself to take on the exploration of the Catholic faith and discover for myself what so compels some toward this mode of belief and practice of faith.

I came to this relationship knowing nearly nothing about Catholicism specifically; the only time I understood there was a distinction between traditionalist and other Catholics was seeing something about Mel Gibson in a television interview a few years ago. Any other knowledge I had was strung together from some distant childhood friends who went to Catholic school, a few scant movie scenes, and news stories. These hardly constituted any sort of knowledge base, and I was fully cognizant of the fact.

I have learned a lot from Mike over the last several weeks (really, I should be tape-recording our conversations and/or taking notes and posting them here). This information is new and fresh for me, so I'm not going to get too in-depth (besides which, there are veritable volumes on the subject). What I know is that some major changes were made at the Second Vatican Council (1962-65) that dramatically altered the liturgy (becoming more man-centered than God-centered), Mass, and certain sacraments. The changes seem to seek to lessen an emphasis on sin and hell as well as man's innate need for God's grace, and also focus more on the dignity of man (as opposed to the sovereignty and supremacy of God). These are just a few things that I've learned about the distinction. Traditionalist chapels are few and far between, most of the Catholic churches you see having accepted the changes passed down in the early 1960s.

Anticipating some need to defend my decision, it is tempting to try and recount every conversation we've had, all I've read, and what I've observed over the last several weeks. What I can tell you is this: we are already on the same page with so many important things in regards to our faith. Many of the core convictions that govern our daily lives are similar if not the same: recognizing our need for grace (as well as the need to act or work out the grace given us with "fear and trembling"), the importance of prayer, the purpose of suffering and self-denial, our need for the Body of Christ, the centrality of the family, and so on.

In other words, things are fitting together; it is making sense. This is quite surprising to both of us; frankly, I did not expect it. We are both fully aware that things are going to come up that will make me want to turn and run or whack him (or myself) squarely over the head with something solid. For example, we just discussed the Catholic church being the one true Church as founded by Christ. Period. No ifs, ands, buts, or caveats. When you really get into it, it can be a hard pill to swallow. I’m anticipating some difficulty with the whole concept of confessing to a priest or of praying to Mary and the saints (though a recent post from Bourgeois Wife is already assisting me in laying a hold of the concept). Coming from a completely Protestant background, liturgy and church tradition are things that are foreign to me, as is the concept of praying for the dead. And the whole no birth control thing? I grasp the reasoning behind it, but it still freaks me out.

Despite these and other difficulties in my line of vision, I know innately that this will be worth every effort. I’m not so rigid in my own convictions that I don’t grasp the possibility that these beliefs may be incorrect, incomplete, or lacking in how I practice them. I pray for the grace to accept God's own truth as He reveals it to me, even if it means I must drastically alter the practice of my faith as I now know it. The sacrifice is not mine alone, however: I'm not the only one risking something here -- this is a significant investment and risk for Mike also.

Not only are we engaging in this process prayerfully, but Mike has also consulted the priest specifically about the path we're on together. We both want to ensure that we’re entering this as clear-headed and as objectively as possible. The knowledge he has imparted to me is invaluable, both for the information conveyed and to know that he is someone who has embraced his faith and is fully engaged in it. Together we are reading a book explaining the core beliefs of the Catholic faith, This is the Faith by Canon Francis Ripley. We’re discussing it concept by concept, chapter by chapter. Through Mike, I've met other Catholic believers and have discussed this process with them; I feel nothing but surrounded and supported. Each person I’ve met unapologetically believes this is correct belief and practice of faith, but have exhorted me to engage in this process prayerfully and with outside wisdom, and ultimately to be obedient to that which God reveals to me. Once through the book, the next step (Lord permitting) will likely be to discuss all this with a priest.

The more I learn and the more we discuss, the more convinced I become that I'm on the right path and that we are doing this the best way we are possibly able. Whether or not this is something I choose to embrace, I adamantly believe that this exploration will only serve to deepen my faith. Only tonight we discussed how we are both being sharpened in this undertaking.

While on this journey, I'm asking critical questions not only of the Catholic faith but by implication, of the faith I've known since childhood and that I've grown into in my adult years. I suppose some may find this scary or even threatening. And I get that. Even a month ago, I'm not sure I could have envisioned myself on this path. But the further along we go, the more it is making sense to me and resonating deeply with what I believe to be true, with what I read in Scripture. Don't get me wrong; I have encountered things that frustrate and anger me. But if Christ says it is true, if He says this is the way, then it is my duty to humble myself and pray for the grace to understand and accept the truth as He has revealed it. And then I am responsible to be obedient to it.

I attended my second Latin Mass this past weekend and my spirit was stirred during the Rosary, the speaking of the Mass, and in witnessing the blessing and partaking of the Eucharist. I do not quite understand it, at least not in a cerebral way. But God stirred my soul and spirit in new ways simply by allowing me to be witness to these mysteries.

All this being said, the responses of some friends and family are best described as cautious or tentative, even skeptical. I know they love me and want the best for me. I know their questions and hesitations come from the best and most loving places inside of them. I love them for it and don't doubt their hearts toward me for even a second.

I get that this is a big deal. I don’t want to minimize the import of that. On the other hand, I like to add a bit of perspective and be reminded that it’s not as if I’ve sworn allegiance to Buddha or agreed to become someone’s sixth wife. I’m receiving exposure to a different (and as I am convinced thus far, better -- as in fuller) way of practicing the Christian faith. I would love it if everyone I knew supported this and were as excited about it as I am. It’s simply not the case. But this is my path and I will -- without apology -- create a road to travel by and abide by the truth revealed to me.

If I find myself convinced that there is a truer and better way to exercise my faith, is it not my responsibility to live in accordance with what God has revealed to me? How wise is it to adhere to an old and familiar way when a better way has been revealed? I'm not certain of being ready to jump in with both feet just yet, but this is the primary question driving me as I undertake this exploration. And I am convinced to the depths of my soul that God is guiding this process. I have been blessed beyond words and I am utterly in His care.

I don't expect it all to be smooth sailing and am fairly certain some of the things I learn will be more difficult than others to accept and work through. There may be days when I want to turn and run screaming in the opposite direction. Ultimately, this journey must be directed by God Himself. Whatever its end may be, I trust innately that I owe it to myself, my faith, this relationship, and God who has given me all of the above to invest my time and energy into this exploration. Even now, I can definitively state I have lost nothing through this process. In fact, I have gained much.

Easy? Not quite. But worth it? Absolutely. I don't doubt it for a minute.

**More Than Cute Little a Footnote**

Amidst all this serious faith talk, I also want to make it clear that we are having a lot of fun!! While we both know we need to address these big issues, we're thoroughly enjoying one another's company and laughing a lot. I have to say though, our deep spiritual discussions are anything but boring (and how refreshing is it to be able to really talk to someone about these things?!). On the contrary, I find myself sharpened and more alive to God as a result of learning to trust Him to guide me as I step out into entirely new territory. This relationship has brought so much blessing into my life, I can't thank God enough or begin fathom the depths of it.

The more I spend time with Mike & get to know him, the more I like him. I can't believe all that has happened within the space of four weeks. Time flies ... as they say. And God is good.

*Plus, he's pretty dang cute (and I find that this is most definitely worth mentioning)!! :o)