30 August 2007

A Sunny Afternoon ...

... is good for chilling on the back porch



So why would you care
To get out of this place
You and me and all our friends
Such a happy human race
Eat, drink and be merry
For tomorrow we die

Dave Matthews Band
Tripping Billies


back porch photo by kirsten
08.29.2007

26 August 2007

Of Surpassed Expectations, Very Many Pleasant Surprises, & the Consumption of Humble Pie (or, How a Boy & Girl Met): Part 2

In which Kirsten resumes the story in the first person and consumes at least two helpings of the Pie.

It occurred to me only as I was driving to meet Mike at the agreed-upon location: Holy crap!! I'm driving to go meet someone I met on the internet!! What was I thinking?!

Not one to back down at the last minute or avoid potentially awkward circumstances simply because they might be awkward, I kept driving, desperately attempting to ignore the fact that my pulse had accelerated and that my instantly clammy hands belied the otherwise calm & cool exterior I was determined to maintain.

This was not my typical Wednesday afternoon. Not by a longshot.

I couldn't run away from this now. And after all, he had driven up from south Seattle to meet me. Not a short jaunt, by any means. I had signed on for this, had I not? Get a grip, Kirsten!

I am normally a timely person (in fact, I like to show up at least 5 minutes early for everything), but cut my departure time close. As [ill] luck would have it, I was delayed by construction crews, grooved pavement, and unfriendly red traffic lights [sidenote: all good northwesterners know that there are not four seasons here, but three: wet, wetter, & road construction]. I arrived at the destination a few minutes later than expected thinking, dear God, now he's going to think I don't care or that I'm a habitually late person. As if my blood pressure weren't high enough at the moment.

Any awkwardness I felt passed in less than a minute from our meeting. Our conversation was easy, relaxed, and natural. In what felt like a few minutes, two hours had passed. Drinks turned to dinner, which turned to ice cream (sorbet for me, the food-allergy girl), which turned to a walk on the pier on my favorite stretch of local waterfront. Before I knew it, nearly seven hours had passed from the moment I walked in [a few minutes late] to meet him for drinks.

He gave me some CDs to listen to; while we liked many of the same obscure indie bands, he had a few he just knew I would love [in which he was later proven right]. And I knew I'd have to get these back to him eventually, in which the female mind concludes: second date.
.
Another impression of the first meeting? We're also both unabashedly honest, straight-forward people. No games, no hiding, no beating around the bush here. I've always been this way to some degree, but no one I've dated has ever expressed any sort of appreciation of this quality. I never realized until now how much I tempered that trait of mine and kept it under wraps for others who didn't care so much for it. And it was reciprocated in a big way: I like you. I want to see you again. I knew within 10 minutes that you were someone amazing. What are you doing next weekend?

[Ow. My arms are still bruised from how I've pinched them.]

This was pretty much the best first date I've had; a sentiment we both shared. In a matter of hours -- minutes, really -- I felt like I was spending time with someone I had known my whole life. I felt that every relationship cliche I had heard over the years was coming true; I was embodying every single one of them. It will happen when you least expect it. You mean that's really true? When you know, you know. Seriously?

[cue first slice of Humble Pie]

When we spoke two days later, I was glad to hear (to be reminded, really) that my own assessment of our first meeting was not obscured; whatever this was, this was fairly extraordinary. We had connected; I wasn't fabricating this in my own mind [something those of us creative, imaginative types need to watch out for sometimes]. I was going to be in Seattle that weekend and we agreed to meet Sunday afternoon.

We went had lunch at a little Mexican cantina in Fremont (the area of Seattle where the famous Fremont Troll resides) and briefly wandered around the area. Our three hours together weren't nearly long enough. I had to get on the road to get to my sister's birthday dinner on time. Suffice it to say, goodbye was difficult. And I returned home a bit later than was intended.

But leave I did, and he came back up the following Wednesday, just one week from our initial meeting. He brought me a big, beautiful pot of red mums (see photo in sidebar at the right). We went to a local wine bar, to a local eatery for some great Italian food, and for a drive along the water. This goodbye came with increased difficulty, and I went to bed too late for the third night in a week.

And here is where the Second Slice of Humble Pie comes into play. You may recall the first post in which I told a friend: What could possibly happen? It's the internet! I ate thick, hearty slices of those words, but [luckily] they went down relatively easily; somehow, I didn't take exception to being wrong about this. Said friend was present and only too happy to ensure each word was chewed thoroughly prior to swallowing.

[It is good and advisable to have a spotter nearby when eating this much Humble Pie]

Not only was this internet dating gig working out well for me [for which I only deigned to sign on, if you recall], it was doing so within one month of when I had joined. And on the first date I had. Most of the eHarmony "Success Stories" on the website read something like, I had been on eHarmony for 1 and 1/2 years and had nearly given up ... I had been internet dating here for almost two years with no success ... John was the 15th eHarmony date I had gone on after being a member of the site for two years; I was about to cancel my subscription. The expectation is that the process works, but requires the Patience of Job, squared.

The first eHarmony date, within my first month of joining. It's still making my head spin. I hate to use the buzzword "success" in this context. It goes against the grain for me when used to speak of any relationship. But I was looking for something particular, and dare I say so? While it's too early to say the future is going to hold this or that, I can say with confidence that what we've got going on here is something rather extraordinary.

Sunset from the drive along the water [date #3]


So I'm not going to make any declarative statements about the future here, at least not now. But what I may declare definitively is this: here is someone who exceeds my expectations, who sees into me in ways that others often miss, with whom I am entirely unselfconscious, and for whom I have already developed a deep affection.

You know I could go on, but I think my fingers might bleed from that much typing.

I kid you not.




[cue music]


Stay tuned for Part 3 in which I explain how this relationship is teaching me to Carve Out a Path for myself.

21 August 2007

Carving Out a Path

In which the un-Fairy Tale currently in progress is interrupted for a poem, which will make much sense when our tale resumes.



From a Woman's Life
by Maura Eichner


What Mary knew was just
enough for the usual day;
pull water, flint fire, bake
bread, smile, pray

the dark orations, sleep, wake
wait. When pain honed a nerve,
when birth or dying clotted
an hour, she leaned to the curve

of living, resilient to fear,
laughter, suffering.
Partings are a little death.
Each one's journey is a thing

wholly without precedent.
She looked at the sky
for compass. None. She, too,
created a road to travel by.

18 August 2007

Of Low Expectations, Pleasant Surprises, & Slices of Humble Pie (Or, How a Boy & Girl Met): Part 1 of a very un-Fairy Tale

... there was a fair blogger named Kirsten. Kirsten was a single blogger and while she didn’t really mind the fact and found plenty to enjoy about it, she knew she wanted something more. No white knights, no towers, no dragon-guarded castles, mind you; she was no damsel in distress and frankly didn’t have the time or patience to grow sturdy ladder-worthy hair. Frankly, the thought alone made her scalp ache. Sigh. What’s a single gal to do?

Then came a fairy godmother with a sparkling wand …

Okay, so not really. No godmother, just the magic of the internet. On a whim, Kirsten went to eHarmony.com, jumped through the hoops, took the test, and uploaded the photos. What could possibly happen? It's the internet! she quipped to a friend skeptically. Frankly, she didn’t expect much . Frankly, she wasn’t quite sure why she was doing it. Frankly, she was using the word “frankly” too much. That being said, with such low expectations she knew she would not be disappointed when this turned out to be One More Fruitless Endeavor in her quest for True Love. Sigh.
But it was worth a try, right?

Right?

Days and weeks went by. She got the odd requests for communication here and there, and I do mean odd: Do you like dogs? Dogs are so great! I love my dog a lot a lot a lot [Are you sure you're on the correct website?]. How do you feel about moving to Arizona and being a step-mom? [GASP! Choke!] Would you be willing to give up your career and personal goals to stay home and raise our [hypothetical] children? [RUN AWAY NOW!!!] Most of the matches were closed after she discovered that there were plenty of didn’t-fits, not-quite-rights, and not-if-my-life-depended-on-its. There were many days when this eHarmony gig felt like a second full-time job, this weeding through smelly piles of ill-fitting so-called “matches”. Sigh. And sigh again.

[Kirsten has been sighing a lot these days]

One request for communication started out like any other; questions were sent back and forth until finally, both our fair blogger and her would-be suitor decided to take the daring leap into the Land of Open Communication (which amounts to secure e-mails sent to each other via the eHarmony site). Of the two brave souls who dared venture this far, he was the second to make it through the gauntlet of guided communication and Kirsten’s own perilous, daunting, and positively bone-chilling scrutiny. But ... this daring adventurer was the first to whom she would grant a personal audience.

[insert fanfare here]

In short, open communication led to the request for a phone number. When granted, this led to speaking (much to the preference of both parties involved), which led to said personal audience (known in the vernacular as “a date”). This led to, well …

Sigh.

[dramatic pause]

Sigh.

Yep, I’m going to make you wait for that. Cruel, isn’t it? (Fairy tales always contain some small degree of cruelty, you know.)

To be continued … I promise.

14 August 2007

Family Antics

One thing I will say for my family is that we do a good job of entertaining ourselves (we are easily amused, what can I say?). We love to laugh and our outbursts of general goofiness know no limits! We celebrated some birthdays & anniversaries on August 5 and this last weekend (on August 12), we gathered to celebrate Kaari's 27th birthday.

It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words. If the saying holds true, then these photos have a lot to say!

From the August 5 Festivities ...





And here we are at the August 12 celebration ...




(This is out in public, at a "fancy" restaurant, no less!)


10 August 2007

In Search of Homeostasis


Regular visitors to my little corner of the blogosphere will notice that the look of this site is changing a bit. I'm cleaning things up and changing the look of things ever so slightly. Much like my new home in which I arrange and rearrange, and then rearrange yet again, I am up to the same work here. So don't be surprised if a picture you see now is relocated or removed, or elements shift and change.

You will notice that in the right-hand column, some elements have been removed and new items have been added: a few of my favorite photos from the summer so far, some additional quotes and pictures that inspire me, and a short list of resources for those who, like me, are learning to live with food sensitivities.

I've been thinking on the concept of equilibrium a lot lately. Much has been changing in my life over the last several months, and I am desperate for balance, a steadying of the sloshing back and forth.

Before finding my academic home in the English department at Biola, I was a biochemistry major. I had strengths in both fields and both studies fascinate me endlessly, to be honest. As a biochemistry major, I loved learning in detail about the workings of living systems and was filled with wonder at the excruciating detail and care with which God made us.

Scientifically speaking, eqilibrium is about regulating balance in a living or non-living system through a constant level of change between competing forces. Homeostasis refers to equilibrium within living systems; in biological organisms like ourselves, homeostasis requires the dynamic action and interaction of many bodily systems to maintain constancy. This action and interaction allows us to function in a wide variety of environmental conditions. In other words, homeostasis allows us to maintain balance and constancy no matter how our surroundings change. It is the slowing of homeostasis that causes aging, decay, and eventually physical death.

Prior posts have detailed how much my life has changed recently: I've been uprooted from a home, a job, and a significant relationship. New things have taken their places: a new home (and new roommates), a new and wonderful job, and new friendships that have me wondering why I held so tightly to the tatters of one that left me feeling depleted and devalued. Even though the changes in my environment have been entirely positive, it still requires a certain amount of energy to adapt to the gone-ness of those old things and to the laying ahold of the new.

In truth, I'm continuing to learn what this means. For now, I know it means moving from living alone to living into community, adapting to an entirely new role in my work, and being grateful to find friends to whom I can reveal my truest and unedited self. It means seeing myself with new eyes. It means I must be vigilant about my own self-care and it means I must seek out rest and rejuvenation.

What I know for certain is this: when our environments change (even when it is for the better), it takes energy to adjust to and maintain balance in our altered surroundings. And so I find the need for rest as I adapt to a new home, new work, and new relationships. I am excessively happy in my new milieus, but I am also tired. I need rest and I crave constancy.

I find it ironic that the more my life is in flux, the less likely I am to seek the rest that Christ promises to those who seek it from Him. As I collapse into bed and cocoon myself in my sheets at the end of the day, body limp with relief and eyelids fluttering on the edges of exhaustion, there are times I find that I am barely able to offer a prayer of thanks for having made it there. I know I err in focusing my energies toward the change instead of the One who does not change.

Why do I resist the rest He freely offers me? A bubble bath, a nap, a glass of wine: these are easy. The superficial ways of seeking rest require no sacrifice on my part, no surrender of self; these are simple self-indulgence. These small pleasures have their places, but are unable give me the deep soul-rest and balance I desire. I believe the rest Jesus offers me requires me to offer Him my heart, loosed from its bony armor, exposed and throbbing in its need, laid at His feet.

Here, I would say. Here it is. Lead me into green pastures and beside still waters. Restore my soul.

But still I resist, even knowing life will only settle into equilibrium when I allow Him to bring it there. I believe rest will come when for once, I learn to surrender not to the activity, not to the busy-ness, not to the task. I won’t find it on a soft bed or immersed in a tub brimming with scented bubbles. I will find it in the arms of the Good Shepherd, entirely surrendered, relinquishing the control I awkwardly and fumblingly try to maintain over my own life.

So Jesus still whispers, Come to me. I will give you rest. Everything around you will change, shift, move. But I am constant. I am your balance. I offer a rest deeper than your deepest sleep; I am the stability you seek. I am the center, and I do not move.

06 August 2007

Looking Closely

(click on the photo to enlarge)


To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.

-- from Auguries of Innocence
William Blake



original photo by kirsten
taken in vancouver, b.c.'s stanley park, july 2007