pregnancy dreams

Everyone knows that with pregnancy comes a surge of hormones so incredible, they practically swallow you whole. These hormones are wonderful and magical things, protecting the baby in the earliest stages of pregnancy, helping him/her grow. They also have the added effect for some women, such as myself, of making them very sick, and often very, very emotional.

One additional side effect is what one of my pregnancy books calls "vivid dreams." That's a really, really nice name for what they are. My dream life has always been on the unusual side, pulling together the most ridiculous memories, imaginings, and things seen over the course of my lifetime and putting them all together and then hitting the "Randomize" button. For example, there's one dream I had when I was probably in elementary or middle school. It's still famous in my family. It goes like this:

I'm on vacation in Spain with my Mom and Dad, my siblings having opted to stay at home. While in Spain, my Mom and Dad and I somehow end up in pursuit of dangerous criminals who have disguised themselves as babies [[I told you this was ridiculous!]], wearing baby-type clothing complete with bonnets, ruffles, and rattles. In pursuit of these criminals, we end up chasing them not via car, but via a crazy roller coaster that instead of coming to a stop like normal roller coasters do, ends up plunging us all into a big vat of chocolate sauce [this part is not so bad]. Criminals-disguised-as-babies have been STOPPED. Hoorah!!

So, after our successful capture of these Spanish criminals, we return home in seeming triumph. Peder and Kaari are standing in our driveway and behind them where our house used to be is a black pile of smoldering rubble. Oh yeah, Peder says. We forgot to tell you, the house blew up.

Desperate for accommodation, we decide turn to the summer camp that is just a few miles away, toward the south end of the lake. After setting up our gear [from whence did this camping gear come, I do not know] in a cabin, we walk down to the lake where we can see the small island that is just across from the camp. As we look closer, we find that Fraggles (you know ... Fraggles ... of Fraggle Rock fame ... you know, the cousins of the Muppets??) inhabit the island and have come out to greet us.

And that's all I remember of that dream. Aren't you glad? :)

And I've really been having some doozies lately, most of them not at all related (as far as I can tell) to being pregnant, giving birth, or even babies in general. I wish I had kept a journal of all of them, but here are some of the ones that I recall.

* My sister is getting married but even by the day of the wedding, has not introduced her husband-to-be to any of her friends or family. Just trust me, she keeps saying. She is looking rather gorgeous, by the way. She's having an outdoor wedding and I can see all these quaint little benches sitting in a sweet, tiny garden. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you can ever so faintly hear the angels singing. Just then, I remember that I don't have my camera with me (which, if you're related to me, you know full well that The Camera comes even to the must mundane of family events). I yell, "Wait just a minute, I've GOT to get MY CAMERA!!" and when I run out of the house to get my camera, a torrential downpour outbreaks, complete with thunder and lighting. They wedding is delayed, Kaari is crying, and I am soaked to the bone. [[And then I got up because I had to use the bathroom, no doubt spurred on by the torrential downpour in dream]]

* I end up at a retreat or summer camp-type week with a bunch of young girls (about high school age, like, OMG!!). Everyone in attendance had the habit of leaving their items in the common restroom where we all showered. I was very put out on the day we were packing up to leave to discover someone had taken ALL OF MY AUSSIE HAIRCARE PRODUCTS. AND MY BODYWASH!! I made an announcement to hundreds to let them know how angry I was, and to return my conditioner promptly. I'm pretty sure they were all shaking in their boots. But I don't remember if I did get my conditioner back.

* James and I learn that the Lord of the Rings films were not filmed in New Zealand like everyone thinks, but actually they were filmed on Cougar Mountain in Issaquah -- right where we live!! And we had NO IDEA!! We decide to go on one of the tours being offered, "Walk in Frodo's Footsteps." It was magical. Really, you had to be there.

* I also dreamed last night that I had to pee so much that I made the toilet overflow due to the volume of urine I was expelling. [[You might also notice this is the only dream that is even remotely connected to pregnancy, and the one most closely linked to reality.]]

Well, even though this side effect is utterly bizarre and leaves me wondering at what kinds of substances I have flowing through my system (and at what levels), not to mention what underlying psychoses might be cropping up, at least it doesn't involve me losing my lunch.

love & potato chips

I'm certain that the fact that my once loose-fitting "I'm feeling so skinny" pants are now the snug "I'm glad I can still zip them up" pants couldn't have a thing to do with the fact that I've been padding the bottom line of the Kettle Brand Chips company lately. It couldn't possibly, could it? I mean, I know I'm pregnant and all, but ...

Could it?!
Yeah, that's what I thought.

I was really hoping that I would be one of those women who, when pregnant, sailed and soared through pregnancy without nausea or vomiting or lagging energy. So far, I've dealt with all three. Foods and meals I previously enjoyed now turn my stomach (split pea soup, vegetable soup, hot rice cereal, etc.) and foods that I've never enjoyed a close relationship with (eggs being at the top of this list, and orange juice being another) are now amongst the short list of things I can stomach without difficulty and actually crave.

So far, the best thing to eat -- the thing I've enjoyed the most and have not gagged on once -- are salt & vinegar potato chips (Kettle brand only, Little Bean is quite picky). James and I discovered a little grocery outlet near our home that sells the smaller bags for $1 when normally, they retail for $3-4. It's nice getting the food you crave on the cheap, and this is a very, very good thing for James whose task it is to take care of a very tired, very nauseated, and very hormonal woman.

And yesterday, I was nearing the bottom of the last bag we had in our apartment. Quelle tragédie!!

Too nauseated to go out myself, I asked this wonderful man if he wouldn't mind picking up another bag or two -- you know, since I've got this child growing inside me and all and this is one of the rare foods that doesn't make me gag to look at, smell, ingest, or have within a half-mile proximity of my person.

The man came home with 2 cases of these potato chips from the grocery outlet. That translates to 2 big boxes, 30 bags, and approximately 22,500 calories of tangy, salty goodness taking up residence in our laundry/pantry area. Now that is love.

I sure hope I have a hungry baby ... or that s/he doesn't suddenly develop a preference for the jalapeno flavor!!

the beautiful & terrible

I've been thinking a lot about Eve lately. I'm not one who goes around saying, Darn that Eve! (or something stronger) knowing that if it hadn't been her who succumbed to temptation, it would have been someone else. Had I been in that garden, it could just as easily have been me. But I have been thinking a lot about her and her curse:

I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.
Genesis 3:16

When I was much younger, I thought this multiplied pain referred primarily to childbirth. No doubt it includes that, but having observed the pregnancies of several friends and now experiencing my own first hand, that perspective has changed. That multiplied pain must include nausea and fatigue, riding the emotional roller coaster, being tossed on the waves of a sea of uncontrollable hormones, stretching skin, and perhaps even those frequent trips to the bathroom that disrupt my sleep.

It started out slow, but gradually the nausea I've experienced has increased. Last week in particular was brutal -- I experienced profound nausea during every waking hour (and unlike the flu, no amount of throwing up will ease the discomfort). I was incredibly tired. As soon as I was off of work, I went home and curled up my limp body on the couch. I've also experienced this nauseated feeling accompanied by a terrible stomachache and heartburn.

Multiplied pain, indeed.

And then I found something. Almost daily, I scour the web for images and information about my exact stage of pregnancy. In the course of my search yesterday, I found a website called the Endowment for Human Development. There were in utero pictures and videos of even the earliest stages of pregnancy and detailed information about every phase of development. On the home page, a streaming video shows a little one at 7 weeks and 4 days of development (I'm currently at 7 weeks and 6 days) lifting his hand to his little mouth and responding to the touch. I felt tears prick my eyes. I know and have believed this whole time that every pain and sacrifice is worth it, but this brought that thought into greater fullness. That hand-kissing embryo could just as be my little one.

7-1/2 weeks embryo, image from ehd.org

Somehow that made it easier for a time. I looked for more pictures, and felt my heart lighten. But the feeling was temporary -- the nausea continued to get worse. I was already wondering if I could do this (have a child) more than once. I know I can expect these sensations to abate by the second trimester, which is about 6 weeks away. It might as well be about 60 years for how long that sounds.

I was thinking about these two things, holding the curse in one hand and the wonder of this little life growing inside of me on the other. I cannot separate the experiences of these two, really. I've got this miraculous little life growing inside of me and at the same time, I'm constantly subject to these terrible sensations. I cannot separate the two.

I couldn't help but think how the rest of life is just like this. We all experience our share of pain and happiness, of loss and abundance, of anguish and joy. There are births and funerals, job losses and promotions, marriages and shattered friendships. While some seem to have the scale skewed one way or the other, I know no one whose life is exclusively happy or exclusively ridden with agony. The beautiful and the terrible are always, to some extent, tightly woven and meshed together in such a way that we cannot separate them.

God said He would greatly multiply Eve's pain in childbearing. But he didn't do away with childbearing completely, which I imagine He could have done -- He still used her to knit together the sons and daughters that gave birth to the human race, which is no small miracle. Evil entered the world with the fall, but it did not take over completely. Elements of the Divine still pervaded and continue to pervade our world.

And I wonder if Eve, in holding her children, thought what a terrible and beautiful thing it all was: the exquisite pain in bringing forth the delicate little life she held. I wonder if she looked at those little babes and thought in spite of the all the discomfort and pain that would be fresh in her memory: beauty still triumphs.

* * * * *

Post-Script: I wanted to amend this piece to add that I have since found a safe and effective remedy for the nausea I've been experiencing that *almost* allows me to function at my full capacity. Just one of the many advantages to having so many friends who have walked this path ahead of me ...

in which she shares random thoughts on her first pregnancy

Today is the six week mark. I'm walking through experiences millions of women have experienced over the course of thousands of years. I know I have nothing new to add to the conversation, but now it is personal and so of course, I have some thoughts which may amount to a sum total of little to no value. If you're curious, feel free to read on.

Random Thought #1
I thought I got a lot of unsolicited advice when I was getting married. The volume of advice I've received over the past two weeks leaves my piddly little pile of wedding advice in the dust.

Random Thought #2
Though unsolicited, most of this advice is useful and welcome. I don't have a clue what I'm doing.

Random Thought #3
I had no idea I would see certain physical changes so rapidly. I don't need stretchy pants yet, but I will almost certainly need a new bra soon.

Random Thought #4
Hello, information overload. There are approximately one gazillion books out there on pregnancy and birthing. Though I haven't seen even a small percentage of them, I'm also convinced that there are approximately 4.5 gazillion websites on the same topic, with the added bonus of member forums. This is interesting (as in, never heard of that before!), aggravating (as in, those symptoms could be soooo many other things), and sometimes entertaining (as in, no comment).

Random Thought #5
I never in a million years would have thought it was possible to find coffee and/or wine repulsive. Before I became pregnant, I was actually worried about giving them up and how difficult it would be. But it's true: those things sound gross to me and it makes my neurons fry a little to see it written out in black and white. Just the thought of either kind of activates my gag reflex a little. Eww.

Random Thought #6
Morning sickness is a good sign, apparently. Today I read: "Studies show that women with morning sickness are less likely to miscarry or deliver prematurely." I will try and remember that the next several mornings as I direct all the powers of my will toward making sure my breakfast does not make a northward journey.

Random Thought #7
I never thought it was possible to sleep this much. I've never been much of a napper, and I've never been able to sleep in the car ... until now, at least. Case in point, last Friday. We drove to Bellingham to visit my family for the weekend. I slept (I mean, I really slept) in the car for an hour on the way. After we got there, I had another half hour nap. After dinner, another two hours. And then ten hours of sleep that night. Holy moly, I am a world-champion sleeper!!

Random Thought #8
This one, a bit more serious. It's hard not to think about abortion at this point and all the little ones who don't see the light of day. I don't want to get political and the purpose is not to incite debate. I certainly do not judge anyone in this regard. But I do have some rather personal thoughts on the matter and since it's my blog, I am going to share them.

This is what I know: Little Bean (at just 6 weeks) has a beating heart and though miniature, an entirely functional circulatory system. S/he has a brain and nervous system and this week, is sensible enough to be able to respond to stimuli. S/he has unique DNA. In other words, the wee embryo that some might refer to as a blob of tissue has a heart, a brain, a nervous system. These things aren't mine, that much is clear to me (believe me, I'm not any smarter even though I have another brain inside me). I am a steward and a host to this wee soul, to this growing, developing, and entirely vulnerable little body. And I want to be a good one.

I love you, Little Bean.

first comes love, then comes marriage, then ...

... comes a positive pregnancy test.

130/365: positive pregnancy test
31 january 2010
canon 40d

Answers to the most popular questions thus far:
1. Our little bean is due to arrive on the scene about October 5 or so.
2. We do intend to find out the gender ahead of time. James is squarely on Team Pink and has requested that his little girl have curly hair.
3. I'm feeling OK and have the typical symptoms for 5 weeks into the game: very tired, light-headed, headache-y, and occasionally feeling like I got socked in the gut. I'm hungry all the time and always ready for a nap!!


I know there are some schools of thought that say you should wait until you've passed through the first trimester or hear the heartbeat to announce it to the world, but our thinking runs along these lines: this is a person, with a soul, unique and loved by God. Regardless of what happens at this point, someone is alive and present who was not just a few weeks ago. And so we believe this little one will be well served by people who will likewise love and pray for him/her. So if you think of it, we would be humbled and honored by your prayers for this little person that we love so much already.

Blessings to you!!! And ... WAHOO!!

firsts

One of the purposes of our recent trip to Southern California was to do some maternity shots for Sarah and Dave. It was my first maternity photoshoot, and it was to celebrate the impending arrival of their first baby, who has since arrived on the scene!! Many firsts were celebrated in the few days we were there.

So even though wee little Mirren Clarys (BTW, don't you just love that name?) is now outside the womb, I thought I would share a few special shots from the day. There are more where these come from (I think I took close to 400), but these stood out to me as immediate favorites and I am just bursting to share!!

Congratulations to Sarah and Dave, and a warm welcome to the world to Mirren Clarys!! You are all much loved.

photos and processing by kirsten.michelle
copyright 2010