Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

25 August 2010

fyi (a service announcement for the general public regarding my pregnancy)

I don't know whether I receive more unsolicited pregnancy comments than the average child-bearing woman, but I seem to get plenty. This should cover all the bases for those curious strangers out there ...

34 weeks pregnant by kirsten michelle

We are having a boy and are naming him Ewan (pronounced like the words "you win" strung together). My due date is October 5.

Yes, the belly is "for real".

No, I am not having twins (or multiples of any other number).

Yes, I am sure about the due date (really).

Yes, it is quite hot this summer and no, we don't always get to plan when and how these things happen.

No, I haven't popped yet. Speaking of popping, could you please make your eyes pull back into your skull? They kind of freak me out.

Yes, I do know that my ankles are swollen. If it bothers you to look at them, please avert your eyes.

No, I am not ready to "just be done." Here's a thought: try asking me how I feel about it instead of assuming that I must loathe my pregnant condition. While I am well aware that this stage of pregnancy comes with its share of discomforts, I am one of those rare creatures who truly enjoys being pregnant and giving this baby what he needs for as long as he needs it. It's a privilege, not a burden.

Thank you very much for your unsolicited opinion regarding my size, and I am terribly sorry to have to reveal the wrongness of your opinion, but my doctor and medical science would disagree with your assessment that I'm "huge" or "so big." I am measuring exactly on track for a woman carrying one baby at this stage of pregnancy. I'm supposed to look this way.

It's really not any of your business, but my weight gain is also within normal ranges.

I am feeling great (thank you) and my energy levels are off the charts. I can still kick butt at the gym.

Yes, I am hungry again.

And yes ... I am going to eat that.

24 June 2010

a word to the not-so-wise

25 weeks pregnant & feeling fabulous
22 June 2010

I had little idea when I became pregnant just how much having an obviously pregnant belly (to many people, I'm discovering) translates to implicit permission to touch the belly (which I was prepared for, and really don't mind) and to offer uncensored commentary on the size of the belly (which I was not prepared for, and am really starting to mind). Over the past several days, I've heard more than I ever imagined I would about the size of my belly.

That being said, I love my belly. I love the shape and the feel of it, and I love how it looks. But even having this mindset coupled with a good sense of humor, dealing with these comments is getting to be wearing downright irritating.

Perhaps I just have not been around enough pregnant women lately, or maybe I just haven't been noticing. But I've always taken it as a universally understood point of social etiquette that when commenting on a pregnant woman's appearance, stating anything other than "You look great!" should be considered with the same amount of caution with which one would consider jumping off a fifty-story building without a parachute or the guarantee of an appropriately soft landing spot.

Boy, was I wrong! As it turns out, common sense is not so common, and people out there everywhere are throwing caution to the wind and putting themselves in harm's way: straight in the path of the irritated pregnant woman.

I kid you not -- if I had a dime for every time someone told me how huge or ready-to-pop I looked over the past three or four days -- I would have at least a dollar. Quite possibly more (but not quite enough to buy a grande decaf soy coffee frapuccino lite with one pump of sugar-free vanilla). And though perhaps I shouldn't be, I'm surprised.

Here are two things I (and most other people -- I think) know:
1. Nearly all women at some point in their lives are sensitive and/or emotional about size/weight/appearance.
2. Pregnant women have, at any given time, an overwhelming and unfathomable amount of hormones coursing through their bodies, the likes of which tend to amplify or exacerbate any given emotional state.

Therefore:
"You look great" is always an appropriate thing to say to a pregnant woman.

"You're HUGE!" , "You look ready to POP! When are you due?", or alternately "Are you sure you're not having twins?" are good examples of things that definitely should not be said.

Needless to say, I am going to spend my free waking hours and minutes coming up with some witty repartee for these types of comments. Or maybe I'll swing my hips just so, and swing them back with enough velocity so as to whack them with my huge must-contain-twins belly.

What about you?
If you've been pregnant before, have you come across this type of commentary? What did people say? What was your response? If you have suggestions, I'd love to hear them!

Or, have you said anything like this to a pregnant woman before (and are brave enough to admit it here)? How did she respond?

P.S. Please keep in mind this is all in good fun. :o)
P.P.S. There's a new post up over at the Team Ewan blog about asking God why. It's not quite as funny as today's post, but I still think there's something to it.

26 February 2010

love & potato chips

I'm certain that the fact that my once loose-fitting "I'm feeling so skinny" pants are now the snug "I'm glad I can still zip them up" pants couldn't have a thing to do with the fact that I've been padding the bottom line of the Kettle Brand Chips company lately. It couldn't possibly, could it? I mean, I know I'm pregnant and all, but ...

Could it?!
Yeah, that's what I thought.

I was really hoping that I would be one of those women who, when pregnant, sailed and soared through pregnancy without nausea or vomiting or lagging energy. So far, I've dealt with all three. Foods and meals I previously enjoyed now turn my stomach (split pea soup, vegetable soup, hot rice cereal, etc.) and foods that I've never enjoyed a close relationship with (eggs being at the top of this list, and orange juice being another) are now amongst the short list of things I can stomach without difficulty and actually crave.

So far, the best thing to eat -- the thing I've enjoyed the most and have not gagged on once -- are salt & vinegar potato chips (Kettle brand only, Little Bean is quite picky). James and I discovered a little grocery outlet near our home that sells the smaller bags for $1 when normally, they retail for $3-4. It's nice getting the food you crave on the cheap, and this is a very, very good thing for James whose task it is to take care of a very tired, very nauseated, and very hormonal woman.

And yesterday, I was nearing the bottom of the last bag we had in our apartment. Quelle tragédie!!

Too nauseated to go out myself, I asked this wonderful man if he wouldn't mind picking up another bag or two -- you know, since I've got this child growing inside me and all and this is one of the rare foods that doesn't make me gag to look at, smell, ingest, or have within a half-mile proximity of my person.

The man came home with 2 cases of these potato chips from the grocery outlet. That translates to 2 big boxes, 30 bags, and approximately 22,500 calories of tangy, salty goodness taking up residence in our laundry/pantry area. Now that is love.

I sure hope I have a hungry baby ... or that s/he doesn't suddenly develop a preference for the jalapeno flavor!!

04 February 2008

a very rocky start, or how i began to wonder if i'd make it to florida at all

By now, you all know that Christianne & I had a beautiful and wonderful time in Florida. So beautiful and wonderful that those words begin to lose all meaning. But what you don't yet know is how very hilarious and difficult the process of getting there actually was. Allow me to summarize ...

I spent the bulk on my day on January 28 doing laundry and sorting through summer clothes, giggling at the fact that I was packing flip-flops and short sleeves when there was snow outside my window and the little pond in my backyard was frozen over. More snow was predicted, but since the day was clear with scant bulbous white clouds (not even a little bit ominous-looking), I wasn't concerned, weather forecasting in this area of the country more closely resembling voodoo than actual meteorological science.

It was shortly after sunset that the first flakes began to fall. They grew increasingly large and fell thickly through the sky. It wasn't long before my driveway and street were covered in a thick blanket of white.

Hmmm.

Now for a little background information: I live approximately one hundred miles away from the Seattle airport and had secured reservations with a shuttle service for a ride to the airport in Seattle. The bus left at 2 a.m., and I needed to be there at our local rinky-dink airport no later than 1:45 a.m. My sister would be taking me, but considering the increasingly treacherous road conditions, we needed to consider how we would get to said local rinky-dink airport without sliding quietly into a ditch.

I pulled the chains out of the trunk of my car (chains that had procured my salvation from an icy hill just a month or so before) and we set to work trying to put them on my front tires. Trying would be the operative word. These chains were hand-me-downs and even though my car drives on the smallest tires made (13"), the chains are somehow a tad too small but can be coaxed onto the tires when the appropriate amount of strength is exerted.

We tugged and we tweaked, we pulled and we grunted, we took turns laying down on my purple yoga mat on the dusty garage floor in a vain endeavor to find the best possible angle. Several times, we were within about one-half inch of the promised land. But after nearly an hour of pulling, tugging, and me starting to curse like a sailor (Kaari exhorting me to just step away from the chains and calm down), we still fell short.

This is where older, burlier, and most willing-hearted brothers come into play. Kaari and I are at a distinct advantage to have a brother who considers providing varying means of rescue for his sisters as part of the Big Brother Contract implicitly agreed upon at our respective births. When others were sliding backwards in attempts to make it up the icy hill to our street, Peder was able (with the advantage of all-wheel drive and new snow tires) to come to our rescue. He and Kaari managed to secure the chains on both tires and even took it for a test drive down our icy hill to ensure we'd be safe when we ventured out in the wee hours of the morning.

Hallelujah!

The chains secured, we all sat in our living room, simply enjoying one another's company for awhile, taking note of the size of the flakes falling outside. There was already a couple of inches on the ground after just a couple hours of snowfall. We opened the door and listened outside for the hush that inevitably befalls with the thickening layers of snow. Then at about 8 p.m., the house went went black. Our power was out. Of course.

I had just purchased a large package of candles the day before, so we set about setting them out and lighting them. We were hoping, of course, that power would be restored soon. Can you imagine getting ready in the morning by candlelight? That would be hilarious! I'm sure it will be restored before we leave at 1:30.

The adage famous last words was invented for such cavalier persons as myself.

Peder still being there, he helped us manually open our garage door so we could move my properly-chained up car outside. One less thing to concern ourselves with in the morning.

I made the decision to go to bed for what would amount to about a two-hour nap before I'd need to get up and make those last-minute prepartions so Kaari could drop me off at the shuttle. She and my roommate and I all took a few candles with us to our rooms, all of us laughing at how very Little House on the Prairie this all felt. All I was lacking was a bonnet for my hair and a long white nightgown with a lacy collar.

When I got upstairs, I set out a few tealights around my bathroom sink so I could see as I washed my face and brushed my teeth. As I spit out the foamy remnants of my teeth brushing, I leaned over the sink and slurped some of the running water so I could rinse. Now, what is that pungent smell? What is that crackling noise?

That would be my hair on fire. Of course.

I frantically batted my head and looked in the mirror to ensure the flames on my head had been squelched, hoping this incident would not become a cautionary tale against lighting candles in the bathroom and placing them in such close proximity to the sink when getting ready for bed. It was a matter of seconds before the whole upstairs began to reek of my burned locks. I looked to the sink and saw a rather interesting mix of discarded toothpaste and small chunks of my singed hair.

Good gravy.

The alarm went off at midnight and despite the hour, it was surprisingly light out as the moonlight reflected off the thick shroud of white outside. I expectantly reached over to the lamp on my nightstand to flip the switch. Nothing. It appeared as though I'd be putting the finishing touches on my packing by candlelight.

I went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth again, placing the candles as far away from the sink as possible, desperately wishing not to repeat the attempt to see how my hair might double as a torch. I got ready as though in a fog, and even with the candlelight, couldn't see much of what I was actually taking with me. Reasoning that Florida would no doubt possess what I may have forgotten, I decided not to worry myself over it.

I lugged my bags downstairs and thanked Kaari again as she lumbered upstairs from her room, the hood of her sweatshirt pulled tightly around her face. She warmed up the car and we took my bags out. There was at least five inches of snow on the ground.

We made it to the shuttle without further incident. My little car lumbered up and down the snowy, ice-packed streets without incident and I was deposited safely at the curbside where the shuttle would pick me up to take me to the airport in Seattle.

Sigh. Thank God.

Once the shuttle was safely underway, blazing down the decidedly bare freeway, I got a text message on my phone from Kaari. It was 2 a.m. She had arrived safely home and the power was back on.

Of course.

And that, my friends, is the crazy grand adventure of how I got to the airport in the first place.

12 January 2008

an anatomy of exhaustion

I am positively spent. Exhausted. Part of me wonders why I’m here typing when I could be slipping into unconsciousness on the couch or staring off into space, absentmindedly sipping a glass of wine and fantasizing about a twenty-first century Mr. Darcy.

I don’t speak often of my work here; like many people, the means by which I secure a paycheck is not fulfilling any childhood dreams or lifelong goals. But I am fortunate in that I do like my job and the people I work with. I am challenged, I am stretched, and I am making positive contributions in my current role. Knowing that God has plans for me as a writer, I am content with my current employment.

The past seven to eight months have been challenging. Workloads have increased and department staffing has decreased. A new product offering launched in July was rushed, creating unanticipated challenges and demands across the organization; we are still reeling from the fallout, eyes widening like deer caught in the headlights as the numbers continue to rise. As a result, I’ve been working 50-60 hour weeks fairly consistently for the past six months at least.

Add to that my efforts to maintain my overall health, experiencing a breakup, attempting to maintain friendships, developing my writing, delving into deep explorations of faith, and you have a recipe for one extremely tired blogger.

Today was one of those days where moments of stillness were achieved only by periodic trips to the restroom. My team was busy preparing our department for a magnificent push of mandatory overtime tomorrow in addition to participating in the requisite meetings (five in all), maintaining daily responsibilities, and ensuring our new-hires were supported appropriately.

Bleh. Bland stuff, I know.

Knowing all the busyness of this week and the weeks that preceded it demanded a deliberate act of relaxation on my part, I went to my favorite coffeeshop after work, ordered a tall soy chai, and planted myself near the fireplace. I opened the book I’ve been toting around with me all week, but have not had a chance to open until this afternoon. I curled my hands around the cup, allowing the moist heat of the drink to seep through the cup and translate its warmth to my hands. I savored my drink, closing my eyes and took pleasure in the mild and unassuming balance of vanilla and cinnamon.

When I returned home, I was faced with a new set of realities and my mind began to reel again. It went something like this:

I see a small pile of my things that have been taking up space in the corner of my dining room for the past few weeks newly deposited at the bottom of the stairs leading up to my bedroom. I suddenly feel that perhaps despite my best efforts not to be a slacker, I am shirking my responsibilities as a housemate, but frankly don’t think I could possibly handle their response if the two who live with me agree with my inkling of guilt. When I get to my bedroom, I am confronted with the laundry basket full of folded laundry that has been sitting there, begging to be put away since last week. I see the clothes I bought over a week ago (also neatly folded), tags still attached and still not put away. I see that my bookshelves are in desperate need of dusting and that I have that huge poinsettia gift bag sitting on my floor, stuffed with remnants of wrapping paper and gift receipts. Clearly, I need to relax. Relax, relax, relax!! I think that maybe taking a bath will do the trick, so I walk into the bathroom and look at the tub. It was six days since I last cleaned it, and odd strands of long curly red hair (whose could they be?) are strewn across the surface of the tub. Who cares, it’s my hair anyway, I reason, so I brave it anyway. I run the water and pour in the pomegranate-scented bubble bath. I light a couple candles, turn off the lights, and slip into a tub full of water that is neither too hot nor too tepid and feel a brief moment of physical and mental release. Perfect! Ah, relaxation! I stretch my hands down the length of my tired shins and calves and realize that it’s been far too long since they had any sort of acquaintance with a razor. Why does that clock tick so loudly? I'm really getting lax in my bathroom cleaning. I start to think about all the witty and insightful comments I’ve read on various blog posts today and wonder why I bothered when my own wit was substandard and my insight on par with a houseplant. I start to think about writing my own post about this dilemma of mine and start to wonder if I really should be including the bit about needing to shave my legs. Is that too much information? How could I describe the perfect chai latte? I really need to go back to yoga. Bubble bath makes a funny sound as it disappears into the tubwater. What will Elyse wear for her picture on Sunday? I hate it when people talk on their cell phones in restroom stalls. Does that sign with the cell phone in the center of that bold red circle/slash mean nothing? I really like the color orange. I wonder what Nathan looks like. I really need a pedicure. But I think green is still my favorite.

And it went downhill from there:

yoga mat digital camera purple shirt havarti cheese frizzy hair seven-up camel pose savasana locust simultaneous charley horses olives red skirt hair do skinny pants kombucha orange shirt Julia Roberts green beans pirates fuzzy socks and do I like the color pink birthday party kleenex wine cork Ireland training wheels evolution Hilary Clinton cute Starbucks crossword guy gym dues StoryCorps dripping faucet spaghetti sauce teapot jet lag sushi Scrabble nail clippers yellow monkey hoop skirts monkey monkey underpants amen

What the … ?

[really, it’s okay to laugh]

Realizing now would be a good time to invoke my own advice, I went to my bedroom and turned off the lights. I stretched out on the floor and took several slow and deliberate breaths. With my mind reeling like it was, it took an enormous act of the will to

just
stay
still

I stayed that way for some time, concentrating on my breathing. I shoved away every intrusion that demanded I be conscious of the passing time and instead focused my energy on every single slow and intentional breath. Gradually, the mind and the pulse slowed. I felt my belly rise and thought of how the blood circulated through my body with every miracle of a heartbeat. I thought of the electrical signals coming from my brain, the rhythmic squeezing of the heart muscle, the valves in countless blood vessels opening and closing the way God designed them to open and close without our needing to will it. Slowly, my mind and my body intersected again. I allowed myself to move my body into a few remembered yoga postures and enjoyed the feeling of lengthening and stretching, of defying frenzy. I stayed in the darkness and simply breathed. When I finally left my room, I discovered I had been in there a full hour.

And now here I am, telling you all about it, telling you I actually succeeded employing my own advice. I will have to say no to some good things. Didn’t I say that? I really do love how things have taken off with blogging lately. I love visiting new blogs and having new visitors find my own. But with my fifty and sixty hour workweeks, attempting to maintain my health and my sanity, do something to develop my own writing, attempting to stay in communication with everyone, and finding the time to squeeze in some sleep and teeth-brushing, something’s gotta give. I trust that with my friends here, no apologies are necessary if I don’t wave my arm and interject myself into all the conversations and goings-on.

I am here breathing and doing my best to stay on the right side of insanity. If I don’t, there will be an increasing number of houseplant insights and many more instances of monkey monkey underpants.

Good night, dear friends. Know I hold you in my thoughts and in my heart and in my prayers. Much love to you all.




facing the day photo by kirsten.michelle

26 August 2007

Of Surpassed Expectations, Very Many Pleasant Surprises, & the Consumption of Humble Pie (or, How a Boy & Girl Met): Part 2

In which Kirsten resumes the story in the first person and consumes at least two helpings of the Pie.

It occurred to me only as I was driving to meet Mike at the agreed-upon location: Holy crap!! I'm driving to go meet someone I met on the internet!! What was I thinking?!

Not one to back down at the last minute or avoid potentially awkward circumstances simply because they might be awkward, I kept driving, desperately attempting to ignore the fact that my pulse had accelerated and that my instantly clammy hands belied the otherwise calm & cool exterior I was determined to maintain.

This was not my typical Wednesday afternoon. Not by a longshot.

I couldn't run away from this now. And after all, he had driven up from south Seattle to meet me. Not a short jaunt, by any means. I had signed on for this, had I not? Get a grip, Kirsten!

I am normally a timely person (in fact, I like to show up at least 5 minutes early for everything), but cut my departure time close. As [ill] luck would have it, I was delayed by construction crews, grooved pavement, and unfriendly red traffic lights [sidenote: all good northwesterners know that there are not four seasons here, but three: wet, wetter, & road construction]. I arrived at the destination a few minutes later than expected thinking, dear God, now he's going to think I don't care or that I'm a habitually late person. As if my blood pressure weren't high enough at the moment.

Any awkwardness I felt passed in less than a minute from our meeting. Our conversation was easy, relaxed, and natural. In what felt like a few minutes, two hours had passed. Drinks turned to dinner, which turned to ice cream (sorbet for me, the food-allergy girl), which turned to a walk on the pier on my favorite stretch of local waterfront. Before I knew it, nearly seven hours had passed from the moment I walked in [a few minutes late] to meet him for drinks.

He gave me some CDs to listen to; while we liked many of the same obscure indie bands, he had a few he just knew I would love [in which he was later proven right]. And I knew I'd have to get these back to him eventually, in which the female mind concludes: second date.
.
Another impression of the first meeting? We're also both unabashedly honest, straight-forward people. No games, no hiding, no beating around the bush here. I've always been this way to some degree, but no one I've dated has ever expressed any sort of appreciation of this quality. I never realized until now how much I tempered that trait of mine and kept it under wraps for others who didn't care so much for it. And it was reciprocated in a big way: I like you. I want to see you again. I knew within 10 minutes that you were someone amazing. What are you doing next weekend?

[Ow. My arms are still bruised from how I've pinched them.]

This was pretty much the best first date I've had; a sentiment we both shared. In a matter of hours -- minutes, really -- I felt like I was spending time with someone I had known my whole life. I felt that every relationship cliche I had heard over the years was coming true; I was embodying every single one of them. It will happen when you least expect it. You mean that's really true? When you know, you know. Seriously?

[cue first slice of Humble Pie]

When we spoke two days later, I was glad to hear (to be reminded, really) that my own assessment of our first meeting was not obscured; whatever this was, this was fairly extraordinary. We had connected; I wasn't fabricating this in my own mind [something those of us creative, imaginative types need to watch out for sometimes]. I was going to be in Seattle that weekend and we agreed to meet Sunday afternoon.

We went had lunch at a little Mexican cantina in Fremont (the area of Seattle where the famous Fremont Troll resides) and briefly wandered around the area. Our three hours together weren't nearly long enough. I had to get on the road to get to my sister's birthday dinner on time. Suffice it to say, goodbye was difficult. And I returned home a bit later than was intended.

But leave I did, and he came back up the following Wednesday, just one week from our initial meeting. He brought me a big, beautiful pot of red mums (see photo in sidebar at the right). We went to a local wine bar, to a local eatery for some great Italian food, and for a drive along the water. This goodbye came with increased difficulty, and I went to bed too late for the third night in a week.

And here is where the Second Slice of Humble Pie comes into play. You may recall the first post in which I told a friend: What could possibly happen? It's the internet! I ate thick, hearty slices of those words, but [luckily] they went down relatively easily; somehow, I didn't take exception to being wrong about this. Said friend was present and only too happy to ensure each word was chewed thoroughly prior to swallowing.

[It is good and advisable to have a spotter nearby when eating this much Humble Pie]

Not only was this internet dating gig working out well for me [for which I only deigned to sign on, if you recall], it was doing so within one month of when I had joined. And on the first date I had. Most of the eHarmony "Success Stories" on the website read something like, I had been on eHarmony for 1 and 1/2 years and had nearly given up ... I had been internet dating here for almost two years with no success ... John was the 15th eHarmony date I had gone on after being a member of the site for two years; I was about to cancel my subscription. The expectation is that the process works, but requires the Patience of Job, squared.

The first eHarmony date, within my first month of joining. It's still making my head spin. I hate to use the buzzword "success" in this context. It goes against the grain for me when used to speak of any relationship. But I was looking for something particular, and dare I say so? While it's too early to say the future is going to hold this or that, I can say with confidence that what we've got going on here is something rather extraordinary.

Sunset from the drive along the water [date #3]


So I'm not going to make any declarative statements about the future here, at least not now. But what I may declare definitively is this: here is someone who exceeds my expectations, who sees into me in ways that others often miss, with whom I am entirely unselfconscious, and for whom I have already developed a deep affection.

You know I could go on, but I think my fingers might bleed from that much typing.

I kid you not.




[cue music]


Stay tuned for Part 3 in which I explain how this relationship is teaching me to Carve Out a Path for myself.

18 August 2007

Of Low Expectations, Pleasant Surprises, & Slices of Humble Pie (Or, How a Boy & Girl Met): Part 1 of a very un-Fairy Tale

... there was a fair blogger named Kirsten. Kirsten was a single blogger and while she didn’t really mind the fact and found plenty to enjoy about it, she knew she wanted something more. No white knights, no towers, no dragon-guarded castles, mind you; she was no damsel in distress and frankly didn’t have the time or patience to grow sturdy ladder-worthy hair. Frankly, the thought alone made her scalp ache. Sigh. What’s a single gal to do?

Then came a fairy godmother with a sparkling wand …

Okay, so not really. No godmother, just the magic of the internet. On a whim, Kirsten went to eHarmony.com, jumped through the hoops, took the test, and uploaded the photos. What could possibly happen? It's the internet! she quipped to a friend skeptically. Frankly, she didn’t expect much . Frankly, she wasn’t quite sure why she was doing it. Frankly, she was using the word “frankly” too much. That being said, with such low expectations she knew she would not be disappointed when this turned out to be One More Fruitless Endeavor in her quest for True Love. Sigh.
But it was worth a try, right?

Right?

Days and weeks went by. She got the odd requests for communication here and there, and I do mean odd: Do you like dogs? Dogs are so great! I love my dog a lot a lot a lot [Are you sure you're on the correct website?]. How do you feel about moving to Arizona and being a step-mom? [GASP! Choke!] Would you be willing to give up your career and personal goals to stay home and raise our [hypothetical] children? [RUN AWAY NOW!!!] Most of the matches were closed after she discovered that there were plenty of didn’t-fits, not-quite-rights, and not-if-my-life-depended-on-its. There were many days when this eHarmony gig felt like a second full-time job, this weeding through smelly piles of ill-fitting so-called “matches”. Sigh. And sigh again.

[Kirsten has been sighing a lot these days]

One request for communication started out like any other; questions were sent back and forth until finally, both our fair blogger and her would-be suitor decided to take the daring leap into the Land of Open Communication (which amounts to secure e-mails sent to each other via the eHarmony site). Of the two brave souls who dared venture this far, he was the second to make it through the gauntlet of guided communication and Kirsten’s own perilous, daunting, and positively bone-chilling scrutiny. But ... this daring adventurer was the first to whom she would grant a personal audience.

[insert fanfare here]

In short, open communication led to the request for a phone number. When granted, this led to speaking (much to the preference of both parties involved), which led to said personal audience (known in the vernacular as “a date”). This led to, well …

Sigh.

[dramatic pause]

Sigh.

Yep, I’m going to make you wait for that. Cruel, isn’t it? (Fairy tales always contain some small degree of cruelty, you know.)

To be continued … I promise.

17 May 2007

A New Normal

This piece is dedicated to the always-lovely Rebecca, who so honestly shared with her readers about her own pants-dilemma.

In the dressing room today, wearing pants that fit


If you’ve ever watched the popular TLC show “What Not to Wear”, I’m sure you’ve heard Clinton and Stacy advise their fashion-challenged objects of prey to dress the bodies they have -- not the bodies they once had, neither yet the bodies they wish they had, but the ones they have now.

This is, more often than not, most unwelcome news to the show’s participants. Many of them get looks on their faces that would make you think that someone just shot the family dog.

I’ve been in a similar state of denial about this and for quite the opposite reason that most of the show’s victims assert so vociferously. One woman will swear up and down that she will one day fit into the jeans she wore in high school, and another adamantly claim that those three-sizes-too-small pants are just the incentive she needs to lose the extra baby weight. My protest has been, I will gain some weight back!

About three weeks off the modified elimination diet and I tell you –- I gained about four pounds back at a week and a half, which I promptly lost again by the end of the following week (meaning I am back at my 30-lb weight loss number, but holding steady). I won’t be adding anything else back in to my diet, so I have to assume that this is my new normal.

Consequently, I am yet another fashion victim (and I sincerely hope there is no secret footage of me that is on its way to TLC). As I stood in front of my closet this morning, I selected a pair of casual olive-colored slacks (freshly washed and dried), a favorite of mine. Once upon a time, these pants fit perfectly; they gently hugged my hips without pinching and I was able to fill out the derriere quite beautifully, if I don’t say so myself. Today it was hard to tell if I had one at all.

I learned early on this morning that I risked finding these pants in a puddle around my ankles every time I stood up from my desk. Just for kicks and giggles, I tried a little experiment in the restroom stall: I could pull them up and down quite easily while fully buttoned and zipped. This is sick! There is room for at least one more ample bottom in there and when I turned to the side, not only did I think What is Nicole Ritchie doing in my apartment?, I could see that my once-favorite pair of pants looked like the “fat pants” people wear in the before pictures of ads for diet shakes and fat-burning pills.

I know, I know. Most women would chide me in tones dripping with sarcasm, Gee what an awful problem to have!

But this means I had to go shopping, which I truly loathe. Yes, it is true. I am a woman who does not enjoy shopping. I enjoy having new clothes, I just don’t like the process of acquiring them.

So I braved the mall after work today. I picked up two pairs of rather cute capris in a size smaller than what I was wearing at the time (I am deliberately withholding that number). They fit perfectly, they did not pinch or create the dreaded illusion of “back fat”. When I turned around in the dressing room, I could tell that I had a rear-end in there. How glorious! And better yet, they weren’t falling off. I would not risk accidentally mooning anyone in these pants.

And while I was there, why not pick up a couple of the rather inexpensive brightly-colored tank tops and that cute t-shirt on clearance? But of course!

All joking aside, I am learning something valuable even in this. This is my new normal. I am healthy and well again; I have energy that I haven’t known since I was a child. I may need to acquire a new wardrobe over time, but the way I look at it, it is not so much about the weight loss or the size of the pants I purchased today. My body has shed its illness and its junk; it has rid itself of disease and taken on good health.

And no matter what the number on the tag says, that is what I celebrate.

03 May 2007

Reunited

Hello, latte. It's been a long time. I've missed you.

Decaf Soy Latte @ The Woods ... this is what heaven tastes like!

*** On a more serious note, I encourage you to check out my sister's post about a powerful film we both viewed this past weekend. Click here to head on over ...

24 February 2007

5 Minutes of Sunshine

The Pacific Northwest is perhaps best known for the mountains, the green trees ... and yes, the RAIN. Especially in the winter months, we learn to seek sunshine in other ways. This is my contribution.

Click HERE to enjoy!!

P.S. If you haven't seen Little Miss Sunshine, this clip may spoil it for you. Read a description of the movie from a previous post and if so inclined, go rent it!

23 January 2007

Care & Maintenance of the Curly Coiffure

Over the years I (like many of my curly-haired friends) have been stopped & complimented on my hair. "Yes, it's naturally curly." I always thank them for the compliment and if asked, refer them to Lori, the woman who (I am convinced) is the best hair therapist this side of the Atlantic Ocean.

I certainly cannot take credit for the hair being curly; that was God's doing. When I was being formed in the womb, He spliced genes together in the perfect marriage of DNA between my parents and voila! Kirsten is born with curly locks.

The only thing I can reasonably take credit for is the maintenance of my mane, which is an ongoing experiment in the right combination and balance of products used at the appropriate time (as almost anyone with curly hair will tell you). It is a common occurrence to stop or be stopped by another curly-haired woman in the restroom & to hear the question, “what do you use?” We are always on the quest not only for the perfect products, but the perfect combination of products. A discussion of the four or five indispensable gels, mousses, creams, and sprays & their proper applications can have two curly-haired strangers locked in conversation for considerable amounts of time.

The ironic thing about having naturally curly hair is that the process of making it look like something other than an SOS pad struck by lightning is one that is anything but "natural". Honestly, I am not complaining. I love having curly hair! It's just that those who think they want it cannot know the time one must invest to keep it in good shape. The morning regimen varies from head to head, but the common thread is time & multiple products. Lest anyone be covetous of a curly-haired mop, here is my typical morning hair regimen:

Every 2-3 days:

  1. Shampoo hair (this is done every 2-3 days to prevent the hair from drying out)

Every day:

  1. After hair is wet (& shampoo rinsed out), brush through intensive conditioner.
  2. Rinse.
  3. Once out of the shower, wrap towel around the head in an attractive turban.
  4. After 5-7 minutes (I am putting on makeup during this time), remove the turban.
  5. Apply flexible hold/anti-frizz gel throughout hair.
  6. Flip head upside down and shake out curls with fingers.
  7. Apply curl-enhancing mousse throughout hair.
  8. Flip head right-side up. Don’t touch the curls!
  9. In about 2-4 minutes (after finishing final makeup touchups), blow-dry with a diffuser (this takes about 5-6 minutes).
  10. Apply finishing crème (a light conditioning crème that helps tame frizz created by blow-drying and other environmental stressors).
  11. Finish with flexible-hold hairspray & more finishing crème as needed.

Sadly, following the same routine daily does not guarantee that my hair behaves or looks the same, nor does it mean it won’t turn into a poofball rivaling a lion's mane the instant it comes in contact with the moisture in the air that is ubiquitous to the Pacific Northwest. Nevertheless, in an effort not to look like the offspring of Medusa, I follow & modify the routine & hope for the best.

Can I get an "AMEN" from the curly-haired girls?

22 December 2006

Cheer-Up Squad

When Kaari (my sister) found out I had taken myself to the ER, she correctly guessed that I needed some cheering up, & perhaps an opportunity for some catharsis. When I came home to my apartment, I found ballons taped to my cabinets, a magazine to brush up on celebrity gossip, & a pomegranate fizzy bath tablet to help me relax. I was given strict instrucions to pop the balloon that represented my stomach, absorb myself in someone else's life for awhile, & to take a nice relaxing bath. I am so thankful to have so many friends & family supporting me and caring for me in their own unique ways. Here are some pics of what Kaari did. :o)


20 December 2006

Naptime

Anyone else feel this way?? :o)

15 December 2006

Dancing Elves!!

This is so much fun! Click HERE to see an animation of me as a dancing elf. You can also "elf yourself" by clicking on the "Create My Own" bar at the end of my dance and send your personalized version of one of Santa's helper's gettin' down to all your friends.

Check out the one I did for Kaari.

I'd love to see yours!! :o)

19 November 2006

You know you're from the Pacific Northwest if ...


Here is a quick primer for those of you not familiar with the habits & culture of those of us fortunate to live in the beautiful Pacific Northwest ... my commentary is in green.

  • You know the state flower (mildew).
  • You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
    I haven’t thrown away any kind of metal in years!! Why isn’t the rest of the country recycling like this?
  • You use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
  • You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
    and you knew the scriptwriter who called it a "mochalatte" in Grey's Anatomy had never even been to Seattle. There are mochas (espresso, chocolate, & steamed milk), there are lattes (espresso & steamed milk), but “mochalatte” is not in the Pacific NW vocabulary. We’re very passionate about our coffee, can you tell?
  • You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
  • You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
    This is so TRUE! Dressing up = wearing jeans with no holes in them & closed-toe shoes.
  • You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.
  • You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.
  • You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.
    Oh yeah. There is a difference!
  • You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
  • You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima, and Willamette (not to mention geoduck).
  • You consider swimming an indoor sport.
  • You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.
  • In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark—while only working eight-hour days.
  • You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
  • You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
  • You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
  • You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
  • You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
  • You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
  • You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
  • You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
    This is CLASSIC northwest style!! :o)
  • You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
  • You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists. This is true! Umbrellas make out-of-towners stink out like a sore thumb.
  • You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time. I live this truth ... annually!
  • You measure distance in hours (e.g., it is an hour and a half from Bellingham to Seattle)
  • You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. And you have A/C in your car, but never in your house. You'd probably only use it 10-12 days a year anyway.
  • You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
  • You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).

To these I would add:

  • You know at least 5 people that drive a Subaru Outback.
  • You have a "Buy Local" bumper sticker on your car
  • You pass at least 10 "Impeach Bush" yard signs or "Anti-W" car stickers on your way to work.