kansas :: six

Another fun thing about Kansas, besides seeing the places where things in our story happened? Having fun in places he knows well, making new memories that involve laughter and road signs.

Yes, I said road signs.

Neither of us can remember whether this photo was my idea or his, and I guess at this point it doesn't really matter. We laughed hard while we were making it, marvelling at the odd symmetry of it all: the pregnant lady and the road sign. Apparently Flickr peeps liked it too, because it made it into Explore.

If you're my friend on Facebook, you've probably already seen it. But if not, I give you the photo with a thousand possible captions ...

life imitates art (& road signs), or
warning! dangerous curves ahead, or
by kirsten.michelle (2010)


Got one of your own (a snappy and clever title for this photo)? I'd love to hear it!

Some other newly-posted summer lovin' photos from Kansas that I love ...

tireswing
(Yes, I got in. And yes, the process of getting out was hilarious)

a tall drink of water
Many, many of these were consumed in KS

So here I am, inundating you with more pics from our trip. It's nearly the end of July and I haven't even asked about you. What are some of your favorite summer memories so far?

kansas :: five

This isn't any ordinary dirt road in Kansas.

the road
by kirsten michelle (2010)

This road leads to a place that changed both of our lives forever -- even though I wasn't present when it happened. I know there are some new readers here who don't know the love story of Kirsten and James. A fuller version lives here, but here's the condensed version:

James and I knew each other in college (Biola University in La Mirada, CA). We never dated, and we weren't close friends and we didn't know each other well. In college, we had one class together. We had a mutual friend and had just a handful of conversations during my four years there. My general impression of him was that I thought he might make a good monk. He graduated in 1999 and I graduated in 2000. He stayed in CA for awhile, and I immediately moved back to WA. We didn't keep in touch in any form.

Fast forward mroe than eight years to October 2008. James has been back in Kansas for a couple of years working with his brother on the family farm (raising beef cattle) and drilling oil wells. After parking his truck on this road, he drove up on a four-wheeler (because the six-wheeler was broken) to repair some fence. Going up a hill, the four-wheeler couldn't handle it. He fell off, the four-wheeler rolled over the top of him, and he broke his neck.

Because of the broken neck, he got on Facebook (which he never would have had the time for with the impossibly long days he was working) since enough friends wanted to be kept up to date as to his recovery. Because of Facebook, we reconnected. We became Facebook friends on November 12, 2008 (a little over a month after breaking his neck). We became engaged on February 4, 2009. We were married May 23, 2009.

This isn't any ordinary road. This is the road that leads to the place where he broke his neck, to the place where a love story that started over a decade ago got a great big push.

I love that road.

kansas :: four

I almost missed this one.

We were going back through the shots of the birthday party after I had already pronounced myself finished processing them (it's just a reality that when you take nearly 500 pictures of an event, you have to be choosy as to which ones are given the special treatment). And I saw this one. I was drawn to the energy and the much-younger version of myself I saw in it.

jump like you mean it
photo by kirsten michelle (2010)

This is Dacia, our niece. She's the one on the diving board, arms thrown back, knees bent, poised to jump, daring the water. She's not scared of jumping in, she's not hesitating, and she's not being quiet about it.

Once upon a time, this could have been me. This picture spoke to me and made me wonder so many things: about what happens as we get older that makes us scared and hesitant and too practical for our own good, about how we start to be afraid of the water instead of daring the water to be afraid of us. Somewhere along the way, I stopped throwing my arms back and jumping in. Somewhere along the way, I became the type of person to dip my toes in first, to slide into the water gradually and let myself acclimate to the temperature instead of making a splash.

I became the type of person who cared if her hair got wet. What the heck?!

I'm not talking about becoming irresponsible, but living with passion and abandon and enthusiasm, of taking some calculated risks, of giving something your all -- of daring the water to be afraid of you. Because you're fierce. Because you are a force to be reckoned with. I know how the ability to live this way is lost; what I'm more concerned with is how I get it back.

I really want to know your thoughts on this:

Do you feel like this has happened to you at any point in your life (losing your ability to "jump right in")? What does this look like? Have you made changes in any area of your life that allow you to live this way? Any stories, anecdotes, experiences, or insights you have in this regard are welcome here.

kansas :: three

One of the places we visited was the Brit Spaugh Zoo in Great Bend, about half an hour away from where we were staying in Holyrood. Most of us have been to the zoo at some point in our lives, I presume, but one of the many things that makes this one special (aside from being a place that we enjoyed while we were in Kansas) is that it is totally FREE. Can you believe that?

The zoo admission price is FREE. I can't get over that. I live in one of those places where you can scarcely sneeze without getting charged for it. I love Kansas!

I took hundreds of shots here, but I'll restrict myself to showing you just a few of my favorites.

James' grandmother's passed away a little less than two years ago, but her house is still vacant. This is where we stayed while we were there. Having a chance to spend a week where she lived was fascinating; I was captured by the immense amount of details that told a story of who she was and what captured her heart. There are many, many more where these come from and I imagine I'll be sharing some of these details for some time.

An apricot tree in the yard

Hats and coats hanging in the laundry room
 

Spools and spools and spools ...
 

A wall in the kitchen

From the garden, looking past the clothesline and into the chicken shed

And next door to her home, there was an abandoned home. These always fascinating. I wonder who lived here and how they left. I wonder what stories those walls could tell.

There are many more I'm anxious to share from our trip. And don't worry -- I won't go through all 1800!

kansas :: two

One of the things we did on our last night in Kansas (besides watching a completely awesome lightning display) was go out to the family farm. Now, c'mon people ... you know me. And you know James a bit. We totally did a photoshoot at the farm.

Here are a few of our favorites ...

Psst! This last one made it into Flickr Explore ... wahoo!

(If that doesn't mean anything to you, I explain it here.)

For someone who doesn't mind having her picture taken, it's so fun to have someone who has skill with the camera nearby. And lest you think I don't take a bad picture, well ... let's just say I wish I hadn't deleted some of the ones where I look drunk, severely pained, or like I swallowed a double-wide (which describes approximately 80 - 90% of the photos taken). You should really see those babies!

I've got so many more (and more interesting) pictures of the scenery here that I can't wait to show you. Look for those tomorrow!!

kansas :: one

There are so many things I have to say about Kansas. I could bellyache for a little bit about being pregnant in all that heat and humidity (which I knew to expect, and which is why the good people who live there have air conditioning), but that's really not what I'm going to remember.

I will remember love and family hugs and seeing where he said he would do anything for me. I remember seeing his mom's paintings and the movie theater his grandparents ran and standing in the spot with him where he said, "So when do you want to get married?" I will remember meeting up with friends and laughing with them and seeing where he was walking the night we spent hours on the phone and his hand turned into a popsicle.

I will remember falling in love with him even more.

I have so many photos to show you. I've processed many of them, but have many more to go. Please let me share just a few of the 1800 or so that we took, since (as the saying goes) a picture is worth a thousand words.

 Thomas enjoys his watermelon

 Cole displays some seriously cool moves off the diving board

Sweet Emily

An old baby doll buggy in the shed at James' grandma's house

On the highway :: Bushton, KS

An apricot tree in James' grandma's yard

Abandoned service station in Holyrood, KS 

Close-up of Mary statue in James' grandma's backyard grotto

A burst of yellow! No trip to Kansas would be complete without it

More to come soon ...

a very awkward exchange indeed

It's the pregnant lady here again with another rant about people's comments about my size. For the record, I feel fantastic. I still love (and I don't use that word lightly) the way I look. I love the way this belly feels. But I'm learning now that it is a well-established fact that there are those people out there who see a pregnant belly and check their brain cells at the door.

I'd like to detail this exchange which happened at an organic grocery store in Kansas.

28 weeks pregnant

Employee: When are you due?
Me: October 5.

Employee: [Eyes bug out and mouth hangs open a little bit]
Employee: Are you sure?

Me: Yep, October 5. I'm 28 weeks.
Employee: Well, maybe you're having twins. Doctors can miss those things, you know.

Me: Well, we've been extensively scanned and the baby that is in there is quite a mover, so I'm sure we would have noticed if there were two babies in there.

[Pause.]

Employee: Well maybe the doctor got your due date wrong.
Me: [Slightly irritated] No ... we've been practicing NFP [Natural Family Planning] and we know exactly -- to the day -- when this child was conceived.

Employee: Well ... uh, well ... Are you SURE there aren't twins in there??
Me: Yep, we've very sure.

Employee: WOW, you're just ... really, really BIG.
Me & hubby: [Awkward, irritated chuckle].

Me: Well, I feel great.
[Somewhere in there, we probably said goodbye]

This photo was taken the day AFTER that exchange.

We had to laugh about it, really. But I kinda really just wanted to slap her.

on vacation

Starting tomorrow, the hubby and I are going to be out of town. Our ride to the airport is picking us up at 3:25 am. Even a habitual early riser like me is groaning about that hour!! As to our destination, it is neither exotic, nor tropical, nor where all the babymooners are heading this summer season.

We're going to Kansas!!

That's right, we're visiting family. James' family lives there and every summer, there's a big birthday bash for all the nieces and nephews (at last count, that's twelve kids, I think. By the time this little bean is done baking, it will be 14). That shindig is going to be this weekend. While we're there, I also look forward to seeing the Petermann side of the family, some friends who have been on the other end of several phone calls over the last year and more, all of whom haven't seen me since I was wearing a wedding dress.

Boy, are they in for an eyefull!

This means, of course, that I'll be away from blogging and social media. I'm not even sure that my cell phone will work there. Trust me, this is much more likely to hurt me more than it hurts you.

We'll be back on the 16th, and I look forward to catching up with you then!

all kinds of baby progress

The belly continues to grow. I heard again today: Oh honey, any day now? You should have seen this guy's face when I told him I had 13 more weeks. The belly was feeling pretty solid today, and there was a part of me that felt like "accidentally" whacking him with it. If you read this post, you know how I feel about statements like that. I mean, you know how we pregnant women are with our altered center of gravity and all that. Anything could happen.

Knocking on the door of the third trimester. Yikes!!

But speaking of an altered center of gravity, I must reveal that in one day this past weekend, I managed to knock over a display in Starbucks and spill an entire salad in the middle of the grocery store. The funny thing is, is that my belly is looking bigger these days than it feels. Don't get me wrong, I have trouble getting out of the car, up off the couch, or out of bed ... but I don't feel like my protruding belly is all that cumbersome just walking around. In fact, I'm still able to work out (with weights and cardio) quite comfortably. Looking at this picture, I actually had to ask James if this is really how big my belly looks, and he affirmed what the camera was telling me. I still have to say though: I'm loving every minute of it.

And Ewan continues to have more clothes in his closet. What? What's that you say? You want to see the adorable baby swag we have? Well, well ... if you insist!!

We already had a few outfits in the newborn to 0-3 months category, so the shopping my Mom and Kaari (my sis) and I did on Saturday focused on the 6 to 12 month range primarily. There are a number of cute things not hung up as well, but I won't go into showing you every single outfit. At least not yet. ;o) In related news, I continue to learn that adorable baby clothes at clearance prices (with an additional 20% off at the register) means that I cannot be stopped. Go figure!

We're also making progress on his room. It's becoming less of the "this is all the stuff we need to go through since we moved" room to the "this is soon going to be the baby's room" room. Basically, this means that now, there is less stuff in there than there was a couple of weeks ago. Trips were made to Goodwill and the used bookstore that lightened our load considerably.

Then there is the decor which is, at this point, minimal but adorable. We have no furniture yet and this is a good thing, since we're still in the clearing-the-room-out phase. Even though we still plan on painting (I'm planning on a light spring green as the base), I couldn't resist getting a few things up on the wall just to see how it looked.

The bulletin boards are from Target and I picked up the little wooden animals from Michael's. Ah, this is so much fun!! The Lego rosary was made by a family at my church.

And that, my friends, is where we stand now. I feel good about all the work we've gotten done, and look forward to filling his room with more baby things.

looking up

There are a lot of things wrong with the world. On a much smaller level, there are many things about our life right now that I would change, had I the power to do it. James would have a job -- preferably one that brought in a decent income and didn't drive him nuts (ooh, and that has good benefits). The price of oil would be up and the wells in which we're invested would be top producers. My baby wouldn't have a heart defect.

As hopeful as I am about each of these things, as much blessing as I've experienced in the course of things being exactly as they are, I still have my moments where I just want to wave a magic "fix it" stick and have it all be better the way I want it.

I had a very honest moment with Jesus today in which I told Him just that. That sometimes I'm tired of it and just want a break. That as glad as I am that what we're going through means He's loving us and disciplining us toward holiness, sometimes I just wish it could all be the way I want it to be -- in truth, even though the reality of it completely disgusts me -- a little like a gospel of prosperity: if you love Jesus and obey Him, He will give you health and wealth and the American dream to boot!

I know it doesn't work that way. And on many levels, I'm deeply and profoundly thankful that it doesn't.

These thoughts got me to wondering: say things really did turn out the way I wanted. Say Ewan was miraculously healed (or, the doctors said, "Oops, sorry, we had the wrong baby!"), James had the perfect job, and everything was peachy. Say everything in my life had been this way: no challenge, no troubles, no resistance. What would I be like? Would I have any depth or strength or character? Would I care about the things I care about? Would I even be me?

I have a strong suspicion that without any kind of resistance in my life, without trials, hardships, whatever you will call them -- I would be vapid and shallow, disinterested and entirely uninteresting. I couldn't relate to anyone. I just might be the kind of person, who when she heard the poor had run out of bread to eat would say: "Then let them eat cake!" (which, by the way, Marie Antoinette didn't really say either).

What's true of our bodies is true of our spirits, our souls, our whole persons as well: strength is built when an opposing force is resisted. I've written about this before. Just like strength of body, strength of spirit doesn't "just happen" either. Someone who lounges on the sofa eating Doritos all day cannot expect to have a toned and muscled body, and neither can a spiritual couch potato expect to be a saint, or to achieve the holiness Christ desires for us. Previously, I wrote this:

Make no mistake: getting stronger hurts. It is a slow process. If we look at this from a physiological point of view again, getting stronger requires that we deliberately engage our muscles against the weight we are lifting. It requires that we repeat the motion of lifting or pressing, engaging our muscles repeatedly to the point of fatigue. In so doing, muscle fibers are broken down ... In the days of rest that follow, the fibers are built back up, stronger than they were before. And we do it again and again.

Ouch. Yeah. Good reminder to myself.

The funny thing about all this is is that when I write, I tend to put the stronger stuff out there: the things that I can reason and know, sometimes at the expense of what I actually feel. But the truth is, oftentimes they butt up against each other, like two boxers with gloves braced, and I wonder if one reality might punch the lights out of the other. And sometimes I get stuck between them, feeling the push and pull from both sides.

This is when I need to be reminded to look up: look up to our High Priest -- the one Who is able to sympathize with our weaknesses, the one Who was tested just as we are. This is when I need to be reminded what it's all for. I need to remember that if I'm to run a good race, I will get tripped up if I spend too much time looking down at my feet, or veer off course if too much time is spent looking over my shoulder. I need to look up. And when I tire, wishing I could know what and how and when -- this is when I need to remember that I will never know what and how and when (maybe not even in retrospect), but I do know Who.

Jesus. One foot in front of the other, breathing His name with every step.

photo taken by james // processing by me

silence, in honor of baby cohen

For more information, or to participate yourself, check out this post at the Send Love to Cohen blog.

Wishing much, much love to the Marshall family. Our hearts and our prayers are with you. May the good Lord carry you and keep you, may He bind up your hearts and dry every tear. May peace and love surround you. May you know you do not walk alone.